


What's Better than a Little Hurt

by smartbuckley



Series: Whumptober 2020 [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: ( kind of ), Abandonment Issues, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Apologies, Attempted Kidnapping, Being Lost, Blackmail, Blindness, Blood, Blow Jobs, Breaking and Entering, Buried Alive, Canon Divergence, Car Accidents, Cheating, Chronic Pain, Concussions, Constant Pain, Coughing, Drowning, Drunk Driving, Earthquakes, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Episode Divergence, Established Relationship, Evan "Buck" Buckley Has Bad Parents, Evan "Buck" Buckley Speaks Spanish, Evan "Buck" Buckley Swears, Evan "Buck" Buckley can Cook, Fluff, Food Poisoning, Getting Back Together, Getting Lost, Getting Together, Hallucinations, Hand Jobs, Headaches & Migraines, Hiding an injury, Hospitalized Evan "Buck" Buckley, Human Experimentation, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Injured Evan "Buck" Buckley, Insecurity, Kidnapping, Knife injury, Knives, M/M, Mentioned Shannon Diaz, Mentions of CBD Cream, Mentions of Eddie Diaz/Original Female Character, Minor Eddie Diaz/Shannon Diaz, Moodiness, Near character death, POV Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), POV Evan "Buck" Buckley, POV Maddie Buckley, POV Second Person, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Post-Lawsuit (9-1-1 TV), Presumed Dead, Presumed Dead Evan "Buck" Buckley, Protective Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Protective Evan "Buck" Buckley, Protective Maddie Buckley, Rape/Non-con Elements, References to Dead Bodies, Relationship insecurity, Ringing Ears, Running Away, Self-Esteem Issues, Sensory Deprivation, Sleep Deprivation, Slight Sexualization of a Child, Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Soft Evan "Buck" Buckley, Stitches, Storytelling, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidial Idealation, Swearing, Tsunami (9-1-1 TV), Tsunami Divergence, Unresolved Miscommunication, Unsettling, Vomiting, Whump, Whumptober 2020, Working through pain, blurred vision, dry drowning, emotional blackmail, house fire, internal bleeding, mentions of cannabis, puke, puking, supportive boyfriends, survivor's guilt, wound reveal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:21:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 28
Words: 37,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26760541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smartbuckley/pseuds/smartbuckley
Summary: Whumptober 2020 prompts for Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz. Each chapter will have different warnings and triggers. Each chapter is a one-shot and considered complete.Days 24, 25, 26 and 27 are combined in one chapter (chapter 24).
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: Whumptober 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1949845
Comments: 204
Kudos: 472
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales, Whumptober 2020





	1. Into the Fire

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt 1 - Hanging.

It was supposed to be an easy call, Buck thinks to himself with a groan as sweat beads down his forehead, his shoulders, his spine. It was supposed to be a small fire, easily put out, but by the time the team arrived at the old home with several floors, the fire had fast gotten out of control, and spread to other areas of the house with at least three people trapped in completely different sections. They didn’t have enough available to cover the home in teams, so Buck had offered to go by himself in search of one of the missing - a little girl slightly younger than Christopher, something that pulled at his heartstrings. Eddie - Eddie had disagreed loudly, begging Bobby not to let Buck go off by himself, but they all knew that Buck could handle it - could handle himself. They all knew that there was no way Buck couldn’t handle himself, even if Eddie was against it, and knew that Buck could handle this just as well as anyone else.

It was only different because of the fact that Buck and Eddie were dating, really. Eddie still would’ve been against Buck going by himself because they were partners if they  _ weren’t _ dating, but they were, and there was something Eddie didn’t like about going alone himself, or Buck going alone, either. Everyone understood that, but --

Eddie dealt with it. Told Buck to not do anything stupid, to call if he needed help. And Buck understood, because Buck said the same thing, and ever since he started dating Eddie, started being a second dad to Christopher, he stopped doing nearly as many foolish things as he used to. 

So he walked carefully, and he stepped even more carefully, and he saved the missing girl and brought her carefully to the window so she could escape, and he had just taken a small step back when the floor beneath him had given out. For that split second where he was in free fall, Buck felt himself panicking, his heart pounding fast and hard inside of his chest, a scream falling from his lips before his hands hit the window sill, air whooshing out of him as his fingers clenched and tightened while trying to hold his body weight.

And he didn’t know how much time had passed, but the fire was roaring around him, surrounding him, his entire body growing hot as his muscles strained with his weight. He could hear his radio going off, Bobby asking for him to come in, but he couldn’t -- not with the way he was hanging. He had tried to scream out the window, but his team never heard him, and Buck was well and truly afraid that this just might be the end, no matter how careful he had been. Shifting carefully, Buck tried to pull himself, his fingers slipping as a groan escaped. Tilting his head back, Buck blinked up at his hands, fingers turning white as he sucked back another breath. He could feel himself slipping, could feel the heat of the flames even though they were still floors away, and Buck couldn’t help but wonder if he fell - would he fall into the flames, or would he miss them completely? He hoped he missed them completely, hoped he lived if he fell, but he didn’t -- he didn’t think he would.

Through the radio, he could hear Eddie’s voice, Eddie begging for Buck to respond, and just as his strength gave out, Buck closed his eyes and whispered how he loved Eddie, even if the older man never heard him, his body falling several floors and through the flames, landing with a smash onto the ground.

* * *

All he could hear was a steady beeping - it sounded loud, and all Buck wanted to do was curl up and cover his ears so he didn’t have to deal with the noise any longer. He found he couldn’t though, with both of his hands being held down. He knew his eyes were closed and blinking them open, he turned towards his right hand, not at all surprised to see Maddie holding onto it, her body leaning on the bed with eyes closed. He could see dried tear tracks on her cheeks and felt a surge of guilt run through him and without thought, he turned towards his left side, not surprised to see Eddie holding onto his other hand. Maddie, he couldn’t handle - she had Chimney and Vivian to look after - she shouldn’t be asleep at his side while he was in the hospital, but Eddie - he expected Eddie to be by his side, maybe even Christopher, though he’s not surprised to not see Chris hanging around.

So lost in his thoughts, it takes him a few minutes to realize Eddie is looking back at him with a small smile, hand squeezing his own, tears falling down his cheeks.

“Hi,” Eddie whispers, Buck smiling in response.

“Hi,” he ends up replying after a few minutes of silence, looking at Eddie with a small frown. His boyfriend looks haggard - bags under his eyes, hair a complete mess and a full on beard having grown since Buck last saw him. If anything, it helps Buck know a few days have passed since the call with the home on fire, and he finds himself feeling anxious over whatever news Eddie has to share with him - made obvious by the fact that Eddie has looked at him with watering eyes and trembling lips.

“How long --” Buck begins with Eddie shaking his head, a small smile playing on his features as he leans forward and kisses Buck’s forehead. He finds himself closing his eyes, feeling something calming when Eddie kisses him, and he can’t help but  _ miss _ the feeling of Eddie’s lips on him, even though it wasn’t long ago for him that they last kissed.

“Eddie--” Buck whispers, leaning his head back so he can look at Eddie completely, but still close enough that he can feel Eddie’s breath on him.

“Almost two weeks,” Eddie whispers and Buck can’t help but whimper. Two weeks isn’t long but to Buck, someone who appreciates every moment of every second spent with his family and friends, it feels like an eternity, and he has a feeling Maddie would feel the same way.

“Two weeks?” Buck asks, eyes widening before he sucks back a deep breath and looks away, a frown on his face before he looks back at Eddie, biting the inside of his cheek.

“What--” Buck asks and it’s just like his boyfriend to know what he’s trying to ask but unable to put into words because Eddie is suddenly explaining how they put the fire out while Bobby was still trying to call him on the radio. How, once the fire was out, everyone on the team looked for Buck, finding him underneath piles of burnt wood and on top of, luckily enough, a somewhat burned couch, unconscious with a couple of open wounds on his head and body. How they were lucky enough that Buck was breathing, but had to get him to the hospital immediately, and how it’s been a waiting game since finding out that he was in a medically induced coma to help him heal after they learned he had a spinal injury from the impact of the fall despite landing on the couch.

Eddie tells Buck all of that, before pausing and kissing Buck lightly, pulling away with another small smile on his face.

“Chris has been here every day talking to you. We miss having you at home. The team has been here too and Maddie - other than taking care of Viv, she hasn’t been at home much,” Eddie responds and Buck turns towards his sister with a small smile, grateful she’s at least sleeping and vowing to get her to go home when she wakes up eventually. He can feel Eddie’s fingers running through his hair, and even though he knows his hair probably feels disgusting, he can’t help but preen at the feeling it provides.

“I wanted to reply to you. I couldn’t though,” Buck begins, coughing lightly at the pain he feels in his throat before he forces himself to continue, “I was holding onto the window on the fifth floor, and I couldn’t--” he shakes his head here, looks at Eddie with wide eyes while biting his lip, knowing Eddie understands when his boyfriend nods.

“Okay,” Eddie whispers and Buck finds himself letting out a small breath, looking at his boyfriend with his own smile. “I didn’t want to leave you or Chris. I didn’t want--”

“Shh, shh, I get it, Buck,” Eddie ends up interrupting, moving forward to kiss Buck completely, Buck relaxing against his boyfriend and kissing him back, eyes closing as he relishes in the feeling of Eddie. When Eddie pulls away, he touches Buck’s forehead with his own and the two just breath one another in, taking in one another.

“I love you,” Buck whispers and Eddie nods, closing his eyes briefly before looking back at him. Buck knows his recovery is going to suck, knows the story of how it’s going to suck since he’s done it so often by now, but with Eddie and Chris by his side, he has no problem handling it.

“I love you too, Buck. And don’t ever do that to me again,” Eddie responds with a chuckle, Buck laughing lightly himself with a nod of his head.

“I’ll try,” he says, squeezing Eddie’s wrist as he sits back in his chair and they continue to talk to one another about the past two weeks, Buck knowing everything will eventually get better.


	2. Tick Tock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Have fun, man. See you in hell,” Buck hears and he just knows the man has officially ran away when he spots Maddie in front of him, spots her lips moving, but he can’t hear her, can’t ---_
> 
> \----
> 
> Or, Buck, Maddie and Chris + two thieves with knives & Buck being his protective self.  
> Day two of Whumptober 2020 - picking who dies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please mind the added tags for this chapter - there's brief mention of 'slight sexualization of a child' for chapter two - one of the thieves calls Chris a pretty little thing, but that's all it is. For those who read and commented on the previous chapter - thank you so much, your words meant everything to me. I hope y'all enjoy this chapter.

It’s early evening when it happens, Buck walking with Christopher in his arms and Maddie to the left of him. He had gone for some ice cream with Christopher, Eddie on an extra shift, when he had bumped into Maddie, literally, at the shop. Both had joked about how the Buckley cravings had striked - something that hasn’t happened since they both still lived in Pennsylvania with their parents - before deciding to stay at the ice cream shop and have a bowl together instead of separately. A little while later, Christopher had crashed and Buck had decided it was time to get the little guy home and Maddie had agreed - both of them paying for their desserts before heading out and walking back to Buck’s apartment, which was only a few blocks away. And the evening was night enough, Buck thinks, a cooling breeze going through the air as he holds onto a tired Christopher and a talkative Maddie, Buck staying quiet longer than normal so she can continue talking and getting out whatever she needs to get out of her mind.

It’s early evening when it happens, Buck remembers. He’s lying on the ground, and he can see Maddie’s face leaning over him, tears in her eyes. He can just see Christopher’s face in his peripheral vision, scared, eyes wide. He’s pretty sure he can hear sirens going off, getting closer, but --

It’s early evening when it happens.

* * *

“Freeze!” He hears, and he immediately stops, eyes widening as Maddie stops herself. In front of them are two men, wearing masks and both holding long knives, the edges glinting at moonlight that is peaking through the clouds. He sees Maddie take a step back, inching herself closer towards him, and he knows it’s the big sister in her, to try and protect him, but he can’t have that happen, he thinks. Both of the men are muscular, and with his heart pounding inside of his chest, he can’t help but slowly move Chris, who has woken up, behind him. 

“We said freeze!” One of the guys shouts and Buck can feel Chris jump behind him, body shaking with fright, and he watches as Maddie raises her hands in a gesture that has the men glaring through their masks.

“What do you want?” Buck asks after a moment, eyes carefully watching the men, making sure they don’t come any closer. He has Maddie to look after but more important, he has  _ Christopher _ to look after. He has to make sure his best friend’s son gets to go home to his best friend - has to make sure he doesn’t fail Eddie once again, not like he did with the tsunami and the lawsuit. He hopes Chris is completely hidden by his figure, but by the way one of the men eyes Chris, he knows he’s not, and his hackles raise at that, the urge to protect being raised.

“What do you  _ want _ ?” Buck asks once more, arms folding in front of him as he feels Chris wrap his fingers at the back of his jacket. 

“Buck,” Maddie hisses at him, and he almost wants to roll his eyes at his sister, but he doesn’t, he can’t - not when there’s someone threatening his damn family in front of him. The next few minutes pass tensely, and Buck wants to step forward and  _ do something _ , but he can’t, not with Chris holding onto him from behind, not with the unknown laid out in front of him.

“We want your money. Empty your wallets,” One of the masked men says, and Maddie and Buck both quickly empty their wallets, though Buck finds himself thankful he keeps most of his money in a clip in his jacket pocket instead. A few more minutes pass by and Buck feels himself relaxing just slightly when the men nod, and turn -- until one of them turns back and Buck can just  _ tell _ the man is smirking under his mask as he steps closer and places the edge of the knife to Buck’s neck, causing the man to gulp as he hears Maddie and Chris gasp.

“Pick.” The man says and Buck can’t help but arch his eyebrow, feeling confused at the request.

“Pick what?” He asks, eyes narrowing when the man’s hold on the knife tightens.

“You see this knife? Pick who gets it into their gut! The pretty little thing to your left, or the pretty little thing behind you,” the man hisses and Buck growls, his entire body tensing at the man's words. He knows Maddie could normally handle a knife to the gut, but she’s pregnant, hasn’t even told Chim yet, and he couldn’t do that to her. And he sure as  _ hell _ isn’t letting Chris get a knife to the gut, because it would kill Chris, kill Eddie and  _ kill Buck _ . 

“Well, what’s it going to be, man?” The masked man asks and Buck can feel his heart slow down, almost like he knows what kind of choice he has to make. He can’t let Maddie get hurt, can’t ever let Christopher get hurt, not again, not because of him. 

“Tick tock, man,” the man says once more, the knife trailing down his neck, leaving a small blood trail as Buck gulps once more, not sure how to respond, his thoughts running through his mind.

“Times up,” the man says, grinning and Buck -- Buck can’t let that happen.

“How about the pretty little thing in front of you instead?” Buck snaps back in response, heart pounding inside of his chest as the man’s eyes lock onto his and something in them… shines, which is terrifying. He’s never seen someone look at him like that, and before he can even think about what that means for him, the knife is plunged into his stomach, and he can hear Maddie scream his name and Christopher sob before the knife is removed. The man is in front of him, and Buck can only see his eyes, but he hears the man chuckle.

“Have fun, man. See you in hell,” Buck hears and he just knows the man has officially ran away when he spots Maddie in front of him, spots her lips moving, but he can’t hear her, can’t ---

His eyes open when his body feels pressure on his stomach, and he’s not surprised to see Maddie, nor is he surprised to see her hands applying pressure to his wound. She’s trying to stop him from bleeding out, he realizes, and his head falls to the side, where he sees Christopher, sees him crying, and --

“Chris --” he whispers, blood coming out of his mouth, and he knows the sight scares Chris, but he still comes forward, wraps his hand in his own, speaks to him, but Buck can’t hear what he’s saying, even as the sirens get louder.

* * *

The extra shift Eddie had grabbed had been slow, but exhausting nonetheless. They’d only been on a few calls in the span of a shift, but the calls had been --  _ exhausting _ , he thinks. They were only fifteen minutes away from the end of their shift when the alarms went off, and Eddie, alongside Chim, made their way to the trucks. It was weird working without Buck, without his partner, and Eddie knew that that was probably the reason why the shift had been slow and exhausting.

But as the truck drove through the streets of L.A, Eddie couldn’t help the feeling he got in his chest, couldn’t help it as he sat forward until they were roaring to a stop and and he saw --

“Buck?” He whispers, eyes wide, before noticing Maddie and -- “Christopher?” He finishes, gulping when he takes in all of the blood. His arms wrap around Chris immediately when his son pummels into him, his heart thumping inside of his chest as he takes everything in.

He doesn’t remember what happens next, doesn’t remember his training, or being pushed aside, or Bobby standing in front of him telling him that he’s not working on this, that he’s too close to Buck to work on this. He doesn’t remember going to the hospital, or trying to comfort his son - he remembers nothing, too entranced in the sight of Buck in a puddle of blood, too  _ afraid _ that he’ll lose the love of his life, so soon after they got their shit together and started dating.

He doesn’t remember any of it, not even as the doctor comes to him and Maddie - Maddie, who is covered in Buck’s blood, sobbing in Chim’s arms -- to tell them that Buck is okay, barely, and they can go see him.

But when he’s standing next to Buck, Buck who is blinking his eyes at Eddie and Christopher, he finds himself falling in letting out tears. He knows Christopher and Maddie had told him what had happened - knows Buck was told to pick who was killed and picked himself, and he loves this man, loves Buck so much, for putting their son first, but Eddie --

Eddie really wishes someone put Buck first - that Buck put himself first. Because he doesn’t think he can handle seeing Buck in the hospital time after time.

“Hell, Buck,” Eddie whispers, shaking his head before placing it against Buck’s thigh, grabbing Buck’s hand and squeezing.

“Thank you,” Eddie adds, biting his lower lip before looking at Buck and moving so he can kiss his boyfriend. “Thank you for saving Chris,” Eddie adds, tears coming out of his eyes as Buck smiles back and nods, knowing what Eddie feels and wants to say but can’t.

“Did they find the guys who did it?” Buck asks after a few minutes, and Eddie shakes his head.

“They’re still looking for them. There wasn’t a lot to go on, but luckily there’s security footage. They’re going off that,” Eddie whispers while Buck nods.

“You know I would protect--”

“I know, Buck,” Eddie whispers, with a smile. “It’s why I love you,” Eddie adds, leaning forward to kiss Buck, telling him that everything is okay.


	3. Mistakes Made

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He can feel Eddie’s fingers in his hair, and then they’re tightening, clenching, yanking, and tears spring forth in Buck’s eyes as his mouth drops open automatically from the pain._
> 
> \----
> 
> Eddie's rough, Buck's hurt, and Eddie realizes just how terrible he's been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge warning for this chapter - Eddie manhandles Buck into giving him a blowjob in the shower - Buck is all for it, despite how strained their relationship has been since the lawsuit, until Eddie starts becoming brutal during the act. This honestly felt like non-con to me, hence the tags, and it's....not one of my favorite pieces of work because of how out of character of I find this, and how uncomfortable it made me. Please remember in my fics, I do not see Eddie this way, and I do not condone unhealthy relationships like this, nor do I believe their issues would be resolved the way it was 'resolved' in the end. Please keep safe, protect yourselves. If I missed any tags or warnings, please let me know immediately.

After everything that happened with the lawsuit, if there was one thing Evan Buckley believed, it was that he was worthless. He didn’t deserve Eddie’s friendship, or Eddie’s love, but whatever Eddie was willing to give him, Buck would take. Things between them might not be the same since the lawsuit - things might not ever be the same between them again but for Buck --

Sure, things seemed normal when they were at work. There were no longer any sharp words or angry looks, but that was when Buck and Eddie were in public. In private -- everything was different, and nothing was the same, and Buck didn’t know how to handle it - because before, Eddie was loving, and soft, and gentle, and  _ careful _ . But now, when they were in private, it was like Eddie was  _ none _ of those. And Buck didn’t know which he liked better because while he missed soft, gentle, careful, loving Eddie, some sort of thrill ran through him when Eddie took from Buck, whether it be control or something more.

Tonight, Buck knows it’s going to be one of those nights - a night where Eddie takes control, where Eddie is rough, and Buck finds himself anticipating the results. They had just gotten off a tough call where Buck had nearly gotten injured, Bobby and Chimney rushing to him to make sure he was okay, Bobby acting like a concerned parent, annoying Buck in the process and Chimney making sure he wasn’t too injured, while Eddie had stayed back and glared, remaining silent while they headed back to the station, excitement coursing through Buck’s body as he sat beside Eddie, even when Eddie made sure that he wasn’t touching Buck within the truck.

By the time they had gotten to the station and had jumped from the truck, Buck knew he couldn’t handle waiting for Eddie to make his move, and Eddie -- Buck could tell Eddie was feeling the exact same way because by the time all of the other firefighters had cleared out, Eddie had pushed Buck into the showers, which were thankfully empty, and kissed him. The kiss was all teeth, Eddie pushing Buck into the nearest wall while turning on the showers. They continue kissing, Buck moaning as Eddie takes him out of his clothes, slapping his hands away when Buck tries to get Eddie just as naked as he is. Buck nearly frowns, before remembering that he is accepting what Eddie gives him, even if it’s moments like this. Even if Eddie didn’t allow Buck to touch him anymore, didn’t allow Buck to spend their non-working moments together like they used to -- Buck would accept it, because it meant he was allowed to be in Eddie’s personal space, something he hasn’t been in since before the lawsuit.

He’s lost in his thoughts, and Eddie must see something in his eyes because before Buck realizes it, Eddie is moving him once again - away from the wall, under the spray, pushing him until he’s on his knees and leveled with Eddie’s dick. He can’t help the way his tongue darts out to lick his lips at the thought of getting his mouth on Eddie -- can’t remember the last time he was allowed to, so he finds himself looking up at Eddie through his lashes, waiting on the precipice of something about to happen.

“Edd--” he begins, frowning when Eddie grips his jaw and stops him from completing his name. Eddie’s eyes are blown wide, something Buck doesn’t quite understand the reasoning behind. Eddie shakes his head, and Buck -- Buck finds himself biting his lower lip when Eddie remains still, staring at him.

“Wha--” he tries, even though Eddie hasn’t let go of his jaw. He can feel Eddie’s grip tighten, and Buck  _ hates _ it, but he has Eddie’s hands on him, and he shouldn’t be complaining. He can’t complain, not when this is all he gets now, even though he misses Eddie like  _ air _ . 

When Eddie shakes his head and steps back, Buck can’t help but feel confusion course through him, though something settles inside of him when Eddie begins to remove his pants, pushing them down halfway, his hard cock coming free from the restraints the pants provided. He zeroes in on Eddie’s cock, heart beating inside of his chest.He doesn’t need to hear Eddie tell him to suck, though he knows Eddie does, his head moving forward and immediately taking Eddie’s cock into his mouth, licking a strip along the shaft just before he does.

He can feel Eddie’s fingers in his hair, and then they’re tightening, clenching, yanking, and tears spring forth in Buck’s eyes as his mouth drops open automatically from the pain. Not even a second goes by when Eddie begins thrusting, and Buck can’t help but feel thankful he doesn’t have a gag reflex right now because the brutality -- 

Buck knows he has to accept this, and he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t know how much time passes - he can feel Eddie’s release, and he’s happy for Eddie, that he was able to get release but Buck -- Buck is so damn  _ tired _ , he thinks. He doesn’t deserve this. 

“Buck, baby, c’mon,” he hears, and he finds himself blinking, looking up and realizing that Eddie is kneeling in front of him, tears on his cheek, and he doesn’t understand.

“Wha--” he says, moving his jaw briefly and shaking his head, eyes narrowing in thought.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Eddie whispers and Buck really doesn’t understand, his hands going up to Eddie’s cheeks and caressing them, eyes widening when Eddie leans forward instead of pulling away.

“I’m so sorry, Buck,” Eddie whispers, kissing his forehead and Buck doesn’t --

“I don’t understand,” He admits, shaking his head while reveling in the fact that he’s able to touch Eddie, that Eddie is letting him touch and not glaring at him or leaning away. He can see Eddie looking at him with his own eyes, tears falling from his cheeks still, and Eddie chuckles, and Buck --

“I’ve been such an asshole to you, Buck. I don’t even know how--” Eddie begins with a shake of his head. “You were crying. There I was, fucking your mouth, and as I came, I saw that you were  _ crying _ , and I just felt so god damn fucking ashamed of myself,” Eddie chuckles, and Buck realizes now that chuckle isn’t a  _ good _ one, that Eddie is being sardonic, and hating himself, and Buck wants to make Eddie feel better, but Eddie shakes his head when Buck moves forward, caressing Buck’s arm as he does so.

“No, Buck. This - I’ve been an asshole to you. I’ve treated you like shit. I knew what I was doing when I wouldn’t give you the love and comfort we used to have, and I shouldn’t have withheld that from you. I was an  _ asshole _ , and I don’t deserve your forgiveness,” Eddie whispers and Buck feels his heart ache from the words.

“I saw you crying, and I just hated myself for how I’ve been treating you,” Eddie adds with a shake of his head, looking at Buck with eyes lighting up with something Buck hasn’t seen since before the lawsuit.

“Edd-” Buck begins but he gets cut off immediately by Eddie pressing his lips to his own, kissing him gently as his hands hold Buck’s face, and Buck finds himself getting lost in the feeling the kiss provides, the feeling he hasn’t felt in so long. It takes a few minutes before Eddie pulls away and Buck lets out a soft whimper.

“I swear, I’m going to make this up to you, Buck,” Eddie wipers and Buck can’t help but stare at Eddie, not quite believing him.

“I know you don’t believe me, but I swear, I will make it up to you. Prove to you how much I love you, how sorry I am--” Eddie finishes with a small smile, leaning forward to kiss Buck once more. “I never should’ve taken my anger out on you. Never should’ve treated you the way I did,” Eddie adds and Buck looks up at Eddie with his own small smile, leaning forward, body tense as he moves to kiss Eddie, relaxing when Eddie allows -- when Eddie kisses him back.

He doesn’t know how much he can believe right now, but he does know -- he hopes, at least, that things can change for the better.


	4. Chase them Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I hate thinking about them. And it’s been so many years since it happened that I didn’t think you telling a story about someone else being buried alive would affect me,” Buck snorts, and he sees Eddie nod, knows Eddie understands how he’s feeling._
> 
> \----  
> Or, Buck remembers when his parents sucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is, like always, kind of out of character, since we know the Buckley parents weren't this abusive in the show thanks to the tidbit we got last season. That being said, I love playing around with Buck's backstory, so I hope you enjoy this. There's not a lot of whump in this, since it's more-so emotional whump, but there is comfort, which I hope you enjoy.

“What happened then?” Buck couldn’t help but ask with a look towards Eddie, a soft smile on his face. All around them was the rest of the 118, some members finishing the dinner that Bobby had made, others listening to Eddie and Buck, and their conversation. It was an interesting conversation, one that Buck and Eddie had started earlier in the day during one of their calls and had continued throughout the call, the ride home, the preparation of dinner and up to now. It was an interesting tale, one that had Eddie opening up about his time in Afghanistan, and about how he had helped someone out of being buried alive when the rubble of a building had fallen on them. At that point, Buck had found himself shifting in his chair, feeling uncomfortable and self-conscious, remembering --

Well, remembering something he didn’t really want to remember. Briefly, he could see his sister looking at him out of the corner of his eye, and he knew exactly what she was thinking, knew that she was remembering the exact same thing he was, though he knew that the memories weren’t affecting her the way they affected him. It sucked, but it was something he had grown used to after so many years.

“Everything okay?” Eddie asks, and Buck turns towards him, a small smile on his face as he nods his head, though he knows by the way everyone becomes silent from their own conversations, that not everyone believes him. With a small sigh, he looks around the room and catching his sister’s eyes, nods his head briefly.

“Buck?” Eddie asks, and Buck smiles at his boyfriend, his hand going towards Eddie’s and squeezing lightly. They’ve been dating for almost a year now, and Buck knows that there’s a lot he hasn’t told Eddie about himself - things that he hasn’t been ready to talk about, but -- there are things Eddie  _ does  _ know about, like how his parents weren’t the best, which is where the memory comes into play.

“Just - remembering something that hasn’t been easy for me to remember,” Buck admits slowly, softly, looking at Eddie with a sad smile before shrugging his shoulders, not quite sure what else to say. He can tell everyone in the room is listening, and he feels awkward because of it, something most people wouldn’t put in a sentence with Buck but Buck has always opened up to Eddie in ways others haven’t seen. Buck can see the moment Eddie realizes he wants to open up but feels awkward about it, the older man grabbing Buck carefully and guiding him somewhere private, frowning when Maddie joins them, and then the rest of the team, though the others who aren’t as close to Buck have stayed behind to put the dishes away and clean up.

“Buck, what’s going on?” Eddie asks, and Buck smiles as he sits down on one of the couches, Eddie next to him, their bodies aligned perfectly, which is no surprise. He feels Maddie sit on his other side and grab his hand, squeezing it gently, while Bobby, Chim and Hen sit in front of him, pulling a few chairs closer so that the conversation stays private.

Taking a deep breath, Buck looks around the room and exhales slowly, looking away briefly before looking at Eddie.

“You know what my parents were like, Eddie - how they ignored me, and if they weren’t ignoring me, they were throwing judgement at me,” Buck begins slowly, biting the inside of his cheek as he tries to put his thoughts into words. “But they were a lot worse than that,” Buck adds, Maddie humming in light agreement as her eyes narrow.

“There were times where my parents would lock me away in rooms, or not feed me for a few days, or in general, be incredibly cruel to me. Maddie did what she could when she was there, but when she left…” Buck trailed off at this point, shrugging his shoulders, not quite sure how to continue.

“And at one point, my parents didn’t want --” Buck pauses here once more, taking a deep breath before looking at Eddie and trying to find the strength in his boyfriend’s eyes. “It was raining, we were at a funeral, I fell into an empty grave--” Buck pauses, tilting his head when Maddie lets out a small hiss of frustration, watching as Eddie’s eyes widen in realization.

“Are you saying that they didn’t let you out of an opened grave?” Bobby asks and Buck blinks, having forgotten that Bobby and the others were there too, listening just as much as Eddie was.

“More like they let him fall in, and then walked away knowing the grave was going to be closing soon,” Maddie scoffs and Buck watches as everyone’s eyes widen before they turn to look at him. He feels weird, awkward, and hates how they’re all staring at him, but he knows there’s nothing he can do about it - not, at least, until they get over whatever they feel in regards to what they just learned.

“You were buried alive?” Chimney asks a moment later and Buck can only nod his head in response, keeping his eyes on Eddie, who hasn’t stopped looking at him since then, has moved closer to him, and interlaced their fingers.

“How old were you?” Eddie asks and Buck smiles softly.

“I was twelve. It was… terrifying. It was just getting dark, and my parents weren’t answering my screams for them. Maddie had already left for school, so it was just me,” Buck admits and he can’t help but smile once more when Eddie nods, kissing their joined hands.

“After a few minutes of screaming, the diggers started putting dirt into the grave with a backho - they hadn’t heard me screaming, they were listening to music on headphones,” Buck adds, eyes glazing over briefly before he shakes his head and looks at Eddie, starting to feel uncomfortable. He hears Eddie say something to the others, can feel Maddie squeeze his hand before she lets go and briefly sees everyone else walking away, Chim’s arm around his sister’s shoulders. Briefly, he can’t help but think about the fact that he’s thankful his sister has someone - that he has someone, too. Someone they can both go to when times get tough. 

After a few more minutes pass, Buck turns towards Eddie, smiles once again before he shifts on the couch, letting out a soft sigh.

“Eventually, someone heard me screaming and stopped the diggers - by the time they did though, I was fairly buried - only a little hole left for the person who heard me screaming.” Buck adds with a frown on his face as he remembers thanking the person who had saved him for a while.

“The diggers apologized profusely, but by the time I caught up to my parents, they looked so disappointed to see me there,” Buck whispers, closing his eyes against the memory of the faces his parents had shown when they saw him come back.

He remembers the pure disappointment, the scowls they had shown, and even the biting words that he doesn’t ever want to repeat. Remembers how much pain he had been in when he realized his parents wanted him  _ gone _ , even though he was just a child. His heart hurts, and he reaches up to rub at his chest, eyes closed as a small whimper escapes from him.

“Babe,” Buck hears Eddie whisper and Buck opens his eyes, barely able to see his boyfriend through the water that is resting on his eyelids. He wipes them away with a chuckle, shaking his head while shrugging his shoulders.

“I hate thinking about them. And it’s been so many years since it happened that I didn’t think you telling a story about someone else being buried alive would affect me,” Buck snorts, and he sees Eddie nod, knows Eddie understands how he’s feeling.

“I’m sorry you were brought back to that memory,” Eddie whispers and Buck can only smile, leaning forward to kiss Eddie lightly.

“Don’t worry about it. You couldn’t have known, and I don’t blame you,” Buck whispers, Eddie nodding and moving forward to kiss him back, both men laughing as Buck’s memories are chased away.


	5. Stitches.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Hen grabs his hands carefully, removing the towel from his hand even more carefully when she does so before hissing back a breath and shaking her head. Buck can feel his cheeks turn red, especially when Eddie steps forward and grimaces, though he doesn’t say anything._
> 
> \----  
> Otherwise known as Buck is cooking dinner, and cuts himself. Day 5 of Whumptober, Alternative option #004 - stitches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No real warnings and triggers for this chapter, and we're back to some light fluff, and post lawsuit angst. I also play around with Buck's background in this, which will lead to a different story I'm working on, lol. Thanks for reading and commenting, folks, it means the world to me.

The knife slices through the onions quickly, the movements ingrained in Buck that he’s not really paying attention to what he’s doing. He can hear the television he is playing in the background, if only so he can have some kind of noise in his empty home while he cooks. He doesn’t know what channel his television is on, doesn’t find himself caring. He used to, of course, back when he would be cooking for someone, or watching the television with someone, but ever since the lawsuit, ever since he gave Bobby those papers, things have changed. Yes, he’s been invited back to the team, and on calls, and everyone is talking to him again but things are still incredibly different, especially between Eddie and him, Buck thinks with a small frown, his knife cutting into the cutting board. 

Eddie’s currently on a shift right now, something Buck only knows because he saw Eddie entering the firehouse as he was leaving. He had stared at Eddie, stared like a lovelorn puppy, Buck thinks, letting out a soft huff of breath as he does so. But Eddie had stared right back, Buck remembers. He remembers because he hadn’t been glaring at Buck, a first in quite a while. Buck’s heart had pounded inside of his chest as he passed by, his mouth opening and closing as he had tried to think of something to say to Eddie, but he couldn’t - and before he knew it, Eddie was inside of the firehouse completely and Buck was walking towards his car, trying his best not to have a small anxiety attack at the fact that things were changing.

But Buck should be getting used to that, he thinks to himself with a small bite of the inside of his cheek as he moves the diced onion to the side and grabs a pepper from the opposite side, beginning to cut that up, still not really paying attention. Sure, he spends his nights alone now, no Eddie nor no Chris helping liven up the coldness of the apartment that Ali picked out and he stayed in because he couldn’t afford anything else so soon. He shakes the thoughts from his head, not wanting to think about how truly alone he feels right now, continuing to cut the pepper, breathing slowly as he tries to control the emotions that are rushing through him.

“C’mon, Buck,” he whispers to himself, putting the knife down and placing the palms of his hands on the counter and taking deep breaths. “You can get over this,” he says, shaking his head as his eyes begin to water. He can’t help but chuckle sardonically at himself, wiping his eyes as he begins to pace around his kitchen, continuing to try and take some deep breaths.

After a few minutes, he looks around his apartment, a frown on his face as he realizes just how empty it is and how empty he feels in comparison. Even looking down at the food he’s preparing for his meal makes him feel incredibly lonely, because he’s used to cooking for more than one person. He hadn’t realized how ingrained Eddie and Chris were in his life, how much he revolved around them.

And now, ever since he went through with the lawsuit, things have been - tense, between them, even if Eddie has said he’s forgiven him. Something’s not right, and Buck just doesn’t quite understand what it is. Shaking his head, he starts cutting the pepper again, finishing it and grabbing another one, still not really paying attention to what he’s doing.

Letting out another soft huff of breath, Buck closes his eyes briefly before continuing to cut, blinking when he sees blood on the cutting board, not quite sure where it’s come from. Slowly his situational awareness comes back to him, and he quickly realizes that he’s sliced off the skin of his knuckles. 

“Fuck,” he whispers, shaking his head and grabbing a towel to try and stop the blood flow. His heart thrums inside of his chest, and he finds himself looking around his empty apartment for his phone, not quite sure if he can handle the injury by himself. Carefully taking the towel away from his knuckles, he lets out a tiny grimace when blood comes pooling out, carefully peeling back the skin he cut, knowing he’s going to have to call for help.

“Damn it,” he can’t help but let out, shaking his head as he places the towel on his knuckles once more before heading towards the front of his door, where he’s spotted his phone on the table nearby. It’s slow going, dialing 9-1-1 from his phone, and he can’t help but hope he doesn’t get his sister as his dispatcher, because he  _ knows _ she’s going to worry. With his luck though, the moment he hears his sister’s voice, he can’t help but let out another groan, shaking his head momentarily before blowing out another breath.

“Hey Maddie, it’s me - no, listen, I’m - I cut myself cooking - well, trying to cook, I was cutting peppers. I’d drive to the hospital but my knuckles are in bad shape and I need an ambulance to get me to the hospital so I can get some stitches,” Buck ends up rambling, cringing when the line remains silent for a couple of minutes before Maddie’s voice eventually can be heard from the other line.

“Buck, you need to be more careful. Especially while on blood thinners. I’ve dispatched the nearest ambulance,but --” Maddie pauses here and Buck arches his eyebrow, even though he knows his sister can’t see him.

“But---” he prods after a few minutes, his heart hammering inside of his chest as he hears her sigh.

“The nearest team is the 118. Apparently someone in your apartment complex called about five minutes ago for a possible fire,” Maddie says and Buck can’t help but let out another groan, slamming his head onto the table for a minute before standing straight and cracking his spine.

“Alright, thanks for letting me know, Mads,” Buck says a moment later, smile on his face as the phone is hung up. His sister is always looking out for him, he thinks, even if she doesn’t know she needs to be doing so - she does it anyways, and it makes him feel comforted and loved, something his parents never really showed them when they were growing up.

After another minute or so of standing in his apartment, Buck begins to hear the tell tale signs of an ambulance and fire-truck and then the fire-alarm in his building goes off, and he can’t help but feel frustration leak through his entire being as he walks down the stairs carefully, his neighbours following him in confusion as to what’s going on. He didn’t want anything to happen today, didn’t want to have to deal with his emotions and insecurities and everything else in between, but it’s like he doesn’t get a say in the fact, especially when he sees Chimney and Tyler searching the building and Hen and Eddie outside, which means --

“Buck,” Hen says, stepping forward and Buck can only let out a small sigh in response, nodding his head while watching Eddie carefully. The man’s tense, hands clenched into fists at his side but at the same time, he can’t help but look over Buck completely, and something warm courses through him at the thought.

“It’s not a huge deal - looks like it because of the blood thinners, but I just cut my knuckles while cutting up food for dinner,” Buck eventually says, voice quiet as shame runs through him when Bobby looks towards him at his words. Hen grabs his hands carefully, removing the towel from his hand even more carefully when she does so before hissing back a breath and shaking her head. Buck can feel his cheeks turn red, especially when Eddie steps forward and grimaces, though he doesn’t say anything.

Turning to look at his knuckles, Buck finds himself thankful that the blood has slowed down, but he knows he’s going to need stitches regardless and the fact annoys him way more than it should.

“Lucky for you Buck, I can stitch this up here, if you want,” Hen says, looking up at Buck before arching her eyebrow at his wide grin. He knows he’s looking a little maniacal with his grin, but he doesn’t care at the moment, moving towards her and calming down a little bit while nodding his head.

“I’m honestly sick of going to the hospital, Hen,” he admits, his eyes briefly trailing to look at Eddie, heart pounding when Eddie steps forward, gulping in surprise and snapping his mouth shut. He hasn’t been this close to Eddie in who knows how long, once Eddie stops so he’s standing in front of him - even worse, when Eddie grabs his hand.

“I’ve got this Hen. Check with Chim to make sure no one is injured in the building,” Eddie responds and Buck can’t help but watch Hen with wide eyes and pursed lips, something coursing through him when she nods and turns around. Buck finds himself avoiding Eddie’s eyes as he begins to grab the tools needed to stitch his knuckles up. His heart hammers inside of his chest as he tries his best to avoid looking at Eddie, though he knows --

“Are you ever going to look at me?” Eddie ass, voice soft as he cleans up the blood on Buck’s knuckles. Buck hums, looking away before he hears Eddie sigh and can’t help but look up at the older man, a small, sad smile on his face before he shrugs his shoulders.

“It’s weird,” Buck whispers, shifting while Eddie’s hold on him tightens a little bit.

“Yeah, and I know that it’s my fault, but --” Eddie pauses here, and Buck can’t help but frown, wondering what Eddie was going to say before Eddie looks at him and pauses.

“I was angry, and hurt, and even though I’ve forgiven you, I haven’t exactly known how to tell you how I’ve been feeling,” Eddie admits and Buck can’t help but blink in surprise before he sucks back a breath when Eddie continues to stitch him up, rolling his eyes when Eddie lets out a tiny chuckle.

“If I didn’t know better, I would’ve thought you were fighting,” Eddie says and Buck frowns, not quite sure where that statement came from.

“Why--”

“I was.” Eddie says the same time Buck is about to ask, and Buck frowns, stepping forward even though there’s not nearly enough room and looking at Eddie in confusion.

“You were fighting? Why? Where?” Buck asks, biting the inside of his cheek. He’s not an idiot, he knows there’s street fights in the city - knows like the back of his hand, since he’s partaken in them himself, when times have gotten really tough, but Eddie --

“Were you safe?” He asks, because he knows how dangerous it is, but also how thrilling it is. When Eddie nods, Buck nods back, looking away and continuing to chew on the inside of his cheek, frowning when Eddie’s hand holds his chin and has him looking at Eddie instead of elsewhere. 

“Can I come over, after my shift?” Eddie asks and Buck’s eyes widen before he nods, not quite understanding why Eddie wants to come over in the first place. Eddie must see something in his eyes because he lets out a tiny chuckle before looking away and then finishing the first aid on Buck before he hums softly.

“We need to talk - I need to apologize, clear the air and then maybe… maybe we can make out on your couch like horny teenagers?” Eddie asks and Buck coughs in surprise before laughing, looking at Eddie laughing himself.

“I think it’s been long enough since we made out yeah?” Eddie says, stepping forward quickly and kissing Buck before pulling away with a hum while Buck grins, cheeks turning red when he sees Bobby, Hen and Chimney looking at them with arched eyebrows. He can’t help but immediately move his hand to run his fingers through his hair before hissing lightly when he realizes he had moved his bad hand, Eddie chuckling softly while shaking his head at him.

“I’ll see you in a few hours?” Eddie asks, and Buck nods, leaning forward to kiss Eddie himself, having missed the other man immensely.

“Yeah, definitely,” he whispers once he pulls away, still smiling while Eddie walks backwards towards the truck, smiling also, and the others are shaking their heads in exasperation, though Buck truly doesn’t care for the first time since… before the truck pinned him, admittedly.

“Yeah, definitely,” he whispers to himself, chuckling before making his way up to his apartment to clean up the mess and finish cooking.


	6. Stop, Please.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I believe I was trying to break up with you,” Buck whispers when Eddie pulls away, laughing when Eddie only hums in response before he begins to kiss down Buck’s body._
> 
> \----
> 
> Otherwise known as whumptober, day six, 'stop, please'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eddie is sleeping with both Buck and Shannon in this chapter, though it's only Buck and Eddie that matter in the end ;)

“I can’t do this anymore,” Buck finds himself whispering in the middle of the night, shifting his body around so that he’s curled up in Eddie’s chest, eyes closing briefly so he doesn’t have to look at the look on Eddie’s face when the words penetrate his calmness. He might not be able to see Eddie’s face, but he can feel Eddie tense, can tell that his fingers have stopped caressing the same spot on Buck’s shoulder, and a part of him feels a loss so huge over those simple touches being no more.

“What do you mean, exactly?” He hears Eddie ask and Buck wants to smile, because he knows Eddie is normally one to react instead of ask questions - he’s the same way, he thinks. It’s probably why they fell into bed together the way they did, he admits to himself, before he lets out a soft sigh. It’s been a few months since they started sleeping together, and while Buck 1.0 certainly wouldn’t complain, or put a stop to it --

This version of himself doesn’t want to be second best. And he knows he is, with Shannon having returned the same time they started sleeping together. And Buck isn’t stupid - he knows that Eddie’s been sleeping with Shannon too, and while he wouldn’t have cared, if this was earlier on in the year, pre-Abby, he finds himself caring all too much now.

Finds himself hurting over the fact that Eddie is sleeping with someone else other than him, even if that someone else is Eddie’s own wife, which is something Buck can’t find himself comfortable with.

No matter how amazing the sex is, he thinks to himself, letting out a small huff of breath.

“Buck,” Eddie whispers and Buck finds himself moving a little bit, still looking away from Eddie while chewing on the inside of his cheek, not quite sure how to put into words what he wants to say. 

“I can’t sneak around Eddie,” Buck ends up saying, voice soft, as he frowns. At first, he didn’t mind - understood, actually. Eddie was a single father, with a beautiful, bright kid, who had a disability. If Eddie had someone new in his life, he would no doubt want to make sure that someone was someone willing enough to stay, especially with what he had gone through with Shannon previously, before he introduced that person as someone romantically linked. While Chris knew him, he was only known as his Dad’s friend, not --- whatever they were.

And then Shannon entered the picture, and Buck found out Eddie was sleeping with her, and that they were trying again after Christmas, and Buck -- Buck needed to save himself from his heart breaking early on. 

“What--” Eddie begins, pulling away from Buck, and it takes everything Buck has in him to not let out a whimper, choosing instead, to tighten his eyes and keep them closed.

“Buck, look at me,” Eddie says, his voice strong and dominant and Buck would much rather ignore the plea in his friend’s voice, but he finds himself too weak to do so, especially with Eddie using that tone of voice, looking at Eddie with wide eyes.

“What do you mean?” Eddie asks, and Buck can hear the venom in his voice, can hear the fear of rejection he knows Eddie must be feeling, but he doesn’t say anything about that and instead, lets out a small breath and pinches the bridge of his nose.

“I can’t keep sneaking around behind everyone’s backs, Eds. And I certainly don’t expect you to choose me over Shannon, not when you’re trying with her. But I can’t keep doing this knowing I’m not--” He stops here, tongue darting out to wet his lips, Eddie tracking the movement and shaking his head.

“Not what?” Eddie asks and Buck frowns, folding his knees in front of him and placing his arms on top, thankful the blanket is making him decent.

“Knowing I’m not your first choice. I’m -- I figured I was okay with that, figured I could handle having a little bit of you if it meant having you at all but I can’t, Eddie. I realized I need all of you in my life, in one way or another, and if it’s not in a relationship then I’d rather it be a friendship, because I can’t just keep giving pieces of my heart away only for it to not ever be--”

“Stop, please,” Eddie whispers and Buck snaps his mouth close, eyes widening, not quite sure why Eddie doesn’t want him to continue but listening nonetheless. The two remain silent, no matter how often Buck opens and closes his mouth, trying to find something to say before eventually, Eddie lets out his own sigh and moves forward towards Buck, running his fingers through Buck’s hair as he does so.

Buck can’t help but close his eyes, let out a soft moan, and he knows Eddie is smiling, isn’t surprised when Eddie surges forward to kiss him, the two of them becoming tangled in one another as Eddie pushes Buck back onto the bed, carefully removing the sheet from Buck’s body - and like usual, Buck’s body is responsive to every touch of Eddie’s, arching to meet Eddie when he can, their cocks sliding against one another as pre-cum leaks from their dicks.

“I believe I was trying to break up with you,” Buck whispers when Eddie pulls away, laughing when Eddie only hums in response before he begins to kiss down Buck’s body.

“Yeah, but this is a much better idea than having to face the idea of not being able to be with you,” Eddie responds, voice soft but sure and it has Buck blinking in surprise, not having expected that answer. He figured, if anything, Eddie would nod his head and go to Shannon, because he had Shannon at least. But knowing that Eddie was taking pause, well, Buck didn’t quite know --

“Eddie?” He asks, tilting his head, watching as Eddie moves forward and kisses him lightly, fingers running through Buck’s hair and holding tightly, tugging lightly, which causes Buck to let out a moan. The two continue to kiss, thrusting against one another before they eventually pull away panting, Eddie leaning against Buck’s chest before beginning to kiss down his chest once more.

* * *

“I don’t know what I want - what my choice is, Buck. I don’t want to lose you,” Eddie begins after all is said and done, both grabbing clothes to change into since Eddie had gotten a call from Carla. Buck stills, looking at Eddie carefully, heart beating inside of his chest as he hopes his emotions aren’t so clearly on his face. 

“But I --” Eddie pauses here, taking a deep breath before surging forward, his arms wrapping around Buck’s waist, pulling the man into his arms and hugging him. His hope is high, especially after hearing Eddie say he doesn’t want to lose him. He swears with every moment, his heart is growing, fluttering, and he doesn’t know how to feel, not until - 

“I can’t lose you. Even if it’s just as friends,” Eddie whispers, and Buck nods, heart falling into his stomach, all while he tries to keep smiling, his hope for something more completely gone.


	7. Having Your Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“What do you need?” Eddie asks, interrupting his thoughts, his rambles, before they could escalate into something bad, into something that makes Buck feel insecure and hateful of himself._
> 
> \----
> 
> Also known as Buck has a bad day and Eddie lends his support. Day 7 of Whumptober - Support.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone for reviewing the past chapter - the response, admittedly, surprised me, because I didn't think it was such a huge deal, writing wise? But I loved everyone for the reviews, as it meant everything aha. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter.

When he wakes up in the morning, he knows instantly that it’s going to be a bad day. Sure, the sun is shining and he can hear birds chirping through his opened window, but there’s something in his chest that is tight, and there’s a light pain in his leg that makes him grimace. He can’t help but bring the comforter he’s under up higher so all that peeks out is a small amount of hair, blocking the sunlight from his eyes and sighing with a small pout forming. He’s alone in the bed, but he can hear Eddie in his kitchen, and he knows he’s not alone, which helps ease the pain in his chest, even though it’s not completely gone. Unable to stay still, Buck shifts in the bed, a small grimace forming on his face as the pain radiates through his leg. 

As he moves, he remembers the dream that he had woken up, remembers how he kept getting buried under the water as the waves crescendo every second. Remembers looking for Christopher, not wanting to fail his boyfriend in the worst way possible. Remembers Eddie looking at him asking him where his son is before telling him how exhausting he was. He had woken up then, eyes blinking open slowly, and he had known, immediately, that today was going to be a bad day. 

Not moving from the bed, he grabs his phone, not surprised to see it’s only eight in the morning. He has a day off today, and he’s thankful for that, because he’s positive he wouldn’t be able to handle working today with how his mood currently is, but he’s pretty sure Eddie  _ does _ work today, and that -- he can’t help but be upset about that. He wants to be held, he thinks briefly. He wants to be told everything will be okay, and that there’s always better days. And Eddie always did that for him. He knows though that unless Eddie comes up to visit him, or he says something, Eddie won’t know exactly what it is he’s feeling.

Looking towards his phone, he notes no new messages, bites his lower lip as he wonders if it’s just because it’s so early, or because no one really cares - even though he knows that’s not true, he thinks briefly with a shake of his head, moving so that he’s completely under his comforter, pausing when he hears footsteps coming up the stairs.

After a minute of waiting, Buck isn’t surprised to see Eddie, though he is surprised to see the other man in his pajamas still, bringing up a plate of food. Eyes narrowing, Buck moves the blanket away from him, frowning, wanting to ask what’s going on but before he can do so, Eddie is smiling at him and there’s something in Buck that loosens at his boyfriend in front of him.

“Why aren’t you ready for your shift at work?” Buck ends up asking softly, curling the blanket around his body as Eddie sets it down on the night table next to the bed, humming softly.

“Asked Bobby for the day off,” Eddie responds and Buck frowns harder than before

“How come?” Buck finds himself asking, looking over the foods as the scent of it travels to him, his stomach growling in response.

“You were talking in your sleep, babe,” Eddie whispers, fingers running through Buck’s hair, Buck’s eyes falling close in response, the motion a comfort motion to Buck in so many ways that he arches towards Eddie’s hand when he finally pulls away from him.

“Oh,” Buck whispers after a few minutes, biting the inside of his cheek, feeling slightly insecure over what he was dreaming and what he could’ve been saying.

“And I figured I could be here for you today, while you sort through everything,” Eddie adds, and Buck looks up at his boyfriend with a small smile, thankful that the man is there for him after everything they’ve been through. They didn’t get back together right after the lawsuit was resolved - not when Eddie had been street fighting and hiding that from him, not when he was going to therapy, not sure how to proceed with their relationship, even after Frank’s help.

And certainly not when Buck nearly lost him, or Christopher went away for two weeks, or Maddie announced she was pregnant. No, they ended up figuring out what they needed for themselves first before getting back together, no matter how hard it was. And that was a few months ago, and it was almost like everything was back to normal.

Except Buck was still getting nightmares about the pier, and the truck, and everything else in his life - and Eddie was there, so understanding, so caring, and so supportive, that Buck couldn’t help but smile and feel the love he had for the other man grow each time it happened.

So hearing Eddie say that he was going to be there for Buck - Buck couldn’t help but move forward and kiss Eddie, slowly, letting his emotions through the kiss, hoping Eddie can tell just how thankful he is for his boyfriend. When Buck feels Eddie climb on top of him, Buck can’t help but hold onto Eddie’s hips, arching upwards and moaning as Eddie chuckles before they both break away, smiling at one another until Eddie moves so he’s spooning Buck, the two of them facing one another as Eddie hums briefly.

“What’s your scale today?” Eddie asks and Buck bites his lower lip, eyes moving upward as he thinks about his answer, taking stock of everything before looking back at his boyfriend and snuggling into his arms.

“Probably an eight,” Buck ends up whispering, shifting his legs so that they’re combined with Eddie’s. He feels himself calming down after a couple of minutes in this position, knowing Eddie has his back when he feels his boyfriend’s arms wrap around him more tightly.

“That’s pretty high,” Eddie whispers and Buck nods, shifting forward a little bit and kissing the open spot on Eddie’s collarbone that he has access to. Buck’s never had a bad day that started off that high, he thinks - usually it grows that high, but he’s never woken up with it high like that, but with his leg, and the nightmares, and the fact that he only just recently had a call that had him remember the tsunami, well ---

“What do you need?” Eddie asks, interrupting his thoughts, his rambles, before they could escalate into something bad, into something that makes Buck feel insecure and hateful of himself.

“Just you,” Buck whispers, closing his eyes and snuggling even closer, knowing that as the day passes on, his mood will dip, and he’ll be in a better mood, a more normal mood, not thinking about how he’s a failure, and how he should’ve died on the pier that day - not thinking about anything, really, just how thankful he is to have Eddie holding him, securing him to something happy and bright, in his own way.

“Always you,” he adds, a small smile on his face while Eddie hums and chuckles, kissing the top of Buck’s head before he falls back to sleep.


	8. Run Boy, Run.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Even more months pass, and it’s been almost two years since Shannon had run away with Christopher,and you realize you’re doing the same thing to your family, Texas too full of memories that hurt. Texas is too full of bitterness and resentment and pain._
> 
> \----
> 
> Or, Eddie thinks about his abandonment issues, with a little bit of canon divergence. Day 8 for Whumptober, "Don't say Goodbye and Abandoned".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is being posted now, simply because I'm going away from the 8th-12th and won't have internet where I'm at. Slight canon divergence in that, when Shannon leaves Eddie, she takes Christopher with her.

When you arrive home, you blink, unease settling through your entire body. You can tell immediately that it’s quiet -- _too_ quiet, you think. There’s no Christopher coming to say hello, his crutches making sound on the hardware of the home. There’s no television on in the background, something Shannon always did even though you complained about it constantly because of how much money it cost you. There’s no noise of the fan whirring, spreading air futilely throughout the small, warm home. There’s nothing, and you set your bag down carefully, panic beginning to fill the entirety of your body as you walk through the home, looking in every room for your wife and child.

You don’t find them though, even when you walk through the room a second time, and then a third time. You’re completely alone, and you gulp, closing your eyes and falling to the ground, knees coming up to bend in front of you, elbows resting atop of them as you begin to cry. You couldn’t find a letter, so after a few minutes of letting yourself cry and mourn, you call Shannon’s parents. They won’t tell you anything, no matter how much you argue that you deserve to know - they hate you, you realize, because they don’t know the truth of the story, the truth of your marriage. You deserve it, you think, as you hang up on them and dial the phone to your parents, needing them for the first time since who knows how long.

The conversation is long, and you’re pretty sure you cry a few times while talking to your mother, but eventually there’s a plan, and eventually, you hire a private investigator and a lawyer and a child youth worker to try and get your son back - you spend all of your savings and earnings, though you save some in a rainy day fund for when you get Chris back and can move the fuck out of Texas, you think, feeling relief when the day finally happens.

It’s been almost a year, and Shannon has been running with Christopher, though everyone tells you that it’s obvious Chris doesn’t want to be running. It’s been months, and you eventually put a stop to it, glaring at Shannon, your family backing you up. You don’t want to say anything too rude with Chris in her arms, but he’s reaching out to you and you take him without thought, stepping back when Shannon steps forward, remembering every argument the two of you had over her feeling exhausted, taking care of Chris. A large part of you - a petty part of you, admittedly, can’t help but feel victory over how exhausted she must be, but you ignore that version of yourself to hug onto Christopher, smell his familiar scent and relax a lot more than needed now that you’re holding onto him.

You end up taking him to the hospital to get him checked over, and you find yourself thankful that he’s not hurt, or sick, or regressed in any way, relaxing even more than before. But you know you won’t be completely relaxed until you’re out of Texas, and you’re so damn close, you think, closing your eyes and trying your best to breathe deeply and calmly.

The next few months fly by, and you’re trying your best to work hard - you go to school to work at the fire department, squirreling away money while your parents watch Christopher, Shannon too busy trying to get back into your good graces every few days even though you continuously deny her. You’re sure one of your sister’s has caught on to your plans because you’ve noticed she’s helped you with money a few times, even as you grumble about the help. More months continue to pass by and you begin looking for homes in Los Angeles, knowing that your Abuela will live nearby to some of the homes you like. More months pass, and you’re pretty sure you find a home you like, one that would help Christopher, not push him too much - Christopher, who has grown up so much since everything happened.

Even more months pass, and it’s been almost two years since Shannon had run away with Christopher, and you realize you’re doing the same thing to your family, Texas too full of memories that hurt. Texas is too full of bitterness and resentment and pain.

When your family finally catches on, it’s a few days before, and your house is mainly packed. They’re not happy, your father especially, but they’re remaining quiet, your mother understanding - more understanding than you thought she’d be. But your father is furious, yelling and screaming and scaring your kid, so you kick him out to the front yard and have a screaming match in Spanish, your neighbours listening in and arching their eyebrows, though you ignore it all when your father walks to his car and sits inside of it despite the heat, your mother tutting briefly before she says goodbye for now.

It’s the end of the week, early morning, and you hold Christopher in your arms. A moving truck has already started it’s way to Los Angeles, and your entire family has come to see you goodbye at the airport. It’s not easy saying goodbye to your mother, nor your sisters - hell, even your father. It’s not easy to say goodbye to any of them, though it gets a little bit easier to say goodbye to your Dad when he only nods his head, doesn’t even hug Christopher goodbye.

Getting into the air is -- different, but also easy. Christopher stays silent, weary and nervous, but curious, watching the plane take off in awe. The next week has him obsessed with planes and flying, and you find yourself thankful when he’s no longer obsessed, because it means you can stop thinking that Chris will leave the first chance he gets when he grows up.

Working somewhere new is interesting, you think - everyone is interesting, including the incredibly attractive guy who doesn’t like you for some reason. You can only hope things move forward, and when they do -- you let out a sigh of relief, relaxing completely, especially now that there’s no earthquakes to terrify you and your son.

You eventually get a new best friend, an incredibly straight best friend, you think, and so you hide your feelings for said best friend, push yourself into sleeping with your ex continuously when she finds you, even though you know you definitely shouldn’t - you ignore the flash of hurt when you tell your friend what’s going on, knowing your just imagining things.

And then Shannon leaves you once more - she’s dead, and with her she takes the hopes of reconciliation and growing your family. She’s abandoned you again, and you can’t help but push yourself to become closed off, not wanting to feel the pain you feel when you don’t get the chance to say goodbye to her.

You think everything will be okay though, because at the very least you have the one-eighteen. And then -- and the you fuck up, you think. You mourn your wife, and you get drunk, and you sleep with your apparently not-so straight best friend ( more than once ).

And then he’s pinned by a fire-truck. And then he’s experiencing pulmonary embolisms. And then he’s in a god damn tsunami, and you just want to scream because why is God doing this to you and the ones you love.

But you both get past that, and you realize just how much you love your best friend when you tell him there’s no one else you trust your son with more than him. Because it’s true, and it’s terrifying but you know - you know he would never leave you the way Shannon did. That he’ll always fight to get back to you guys.

And then, worse the tsunami, you feel winded and hurt and you just want to scream some more because suddenly you _can’t_ talk to your best friend, and he can’t talk to you, and you feel like you’re completely spiraling because that just happened, you think. He’s left, and he didn’t say goodbye, and you didn’t say goodbye, and Chris keeps asking about him, and you have no idea what the hell to say.

There’s so much anger in you - from not being able to say goodbye to Shannon, to realizing how in love you are with your best friend, to nearly losing him and then to being forced to keep away from him - there’s so much anger in you and you want to get rid of all that anger less Chris gets wind of it. And then you meet Bosko, and she’s pretty, and an option, but you’re in love, and you feel like that would be a betrayal - a much worse betrayal, admittedly, than getting caught up in street fighting and jail, and not being able to talk to anyone about it.

Not being able to talk to your Buck about it, you think, with a punch to the wall, frustration leaking through your entire being. It’s not like Buck doesn’t know something’s up - he’s not dumb, no matter what everyone teases him with. You know the other man has figured something is up, especially when he eyes up your bruises and you keep hiding away.

That’s not something you do with him, and it’s something you both know but he was gone -- he left, just like Shannon, and you ignore the voice in the back of your head that reminds you that you knew he would only ever try to get back to you.

Eventually - things go back to normal. Eventually, though it takes you nearly losing your job and being forced into therapy. Learning about Buck’s past with therapy, testing your own limits when all you want to do is _hurt_ after finding that out, but that’s alright, that’s okay - everyone is smiling again, and things are okay.

And if you ignore how in love you are with your best friend -- well, that’s okay too, because you still think you’re going to be abandoned.

And then you climb down a well to save someone in the middle of a storm, and you cut your line, and you can’t breath, you can’t see, everything is closing in on you and there’s you thinking about Buck and Christopher and how you’re family, and how thankful you are that you updated your will to show that Buck takes care of Chris but ---

But in the bottom of the well, practically drowning, you can’t help but think to yourself that you never thought you would be the one to abandon the ones you love - you never thought that you wouldn’t be able to say goodbye to them, but there you are - stuck.

Unable to say goodbye.

_Don’t say goodbye_ , he thinks, closing his eyes, head tilting back as a light shines.


	9. It's Too Late

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _But then she had found a body, and it looked so much like Buck - even had the birthmark, and had his wallet on him, that she had no choice but to call it in, and you can’t help but whimper, because Buck is gone, and you forgot to tell him how much you loved him this morning like you always do. You weren’t fighting, you were just in a rush, and you had forgotten and now you don’t remember what your last words to your fiance were._
> 
> \----
> 
> Whumptober Day 9, alternative 11 - presumed dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is being posted now, simply because I'm going away from the 8th-12th and won't have internet where I'm at.

When the captain gets a phone call that he needs to take in his office, you don’t think anything of it. You know there’s often phone calls that Bobby receives that he takes in his office, you just rarely pay attention to the occurrence of them. But then Bobby comes out of his office, and something on his face has you tensing, has you standing straight like you’re back in the army, and with your heart thrumming inside of your chest, you move fast to Bobby’s side, arms folding in front of your chest as you arch your eyebrow. Bobby keeps opening and closing his mouth and then he rubs his face and you know there’s nothing you could say to get him to tell everyone what’s going on.

Briefly, you see Hen and Chimney step up next to you, and turn to look at him also, so that when he finally looks at the three of you, there’s someone next to you to catch you as you fall to the ground, heart stopping just like Buck's.

* * *

It had been Athena on the phone, you learn a little later on - Athena, who had been called to report on a body found in an abandoned home, with another team having gone out with her. She hadn’t thought anything was wrong, not until she had seen Buck’s jeep in the furthest corner of the parking lot by the building. After that, she had found herself tense, had found herself not wanting to find Buck anywhere, but then --

But then she had found a body, and it looked so much like Buck - even had the birthmark, and had his wallet on him, that she had no choice but to call it in, and you can’t help but whimper, because  _ Buck _ is  _ gone _ , and you forgot to tell him how much you loved him this morning like you always do. You weren’t fighting, you were just in a rush, and you had forgotten and now you don’t remember what your last words to your fiancé were. 

But that had been the phone call Bobby had received - Athena telling him, saying she was stuck at the scene still, but didn’t want to wait any longer to warn her husband, and you had fallen to the ground, because what else were you supposed to do?

* * *

The rest of the day goes by slowly. Bobby let you go home early, let you leave because you were numb and sobbing and how were you supposed to tell your son that his second father is gone? How are you supposed to move on in life, when your best friend and partner in everything is gone? You’re sent home, but you don’t want to go home because everything there is going to remind you of Buck, and you and Buck, and that’s way too much pain for you, but you go anyways, because --

Because you already miss him so damn much. When you’re finally home, everything hurts and you just end up going to bed and curling inwards wearing one of Buck’s hooded sweaters, taking his scent in, knowing it’ll be the last time you can ever smell him.

You start crying at that thought, silent tears falling from your eyes, so much so that you miss the door opening but you don’t miss Buck rushing to you when he sees you, asking what’s wrong. His fingers run through your hair, and you close your eyes and continue to cry, knowing that you’re just imagining things, that Buck really isn’t there with you.

You don’t know how much time has passed before you open your eyes, and you see Buck on the phone with someone - Maddie, you realize, after listening in for a few minutes, Buck pacing back and forth angrily, tugging the strands of his own hair in frustration. You can’t help but feel confused, because Buck is dead. Athena wouldn’t have made that mistake, that’s something you know without a doubt. But somehow, he’s standing in front of you. And he’s looking at you every few seconds, a frown on his face, worry coursing through him, something you recognize but don’t quite understand.

Slowly, you sit up, and then you stand up, and then you’re standing in front of Buck, and your hand is on his shoulder - his shoulder, which feels real, which you can touch and squeeze and your eyes narrow as you think about what’s going on. Opening and closing your mouth a few times, you shake your head before eventually clearing your throat and looking up at Buck, clearly confused.

“Athena said you were dead,” you whisper, and you can see Buck absolutely slump forward, feel his arms around your waist, pulling you in close. You can’t help but place your head on his shoulder, breathe him in and relax as you do so, whimpering lightly when Buck’s hold tightens. Not out of pain, but just out of -- having him here, with you.

“I’m not baby, I swear.” Buck whispers, and you don’t know what to say, but you do know you’re confused, and that you need answers.

“Why would Athena -- your car was there. And your wallet. And he had your birthmark -- Buck, what’s going on?” You question, a small frown on your face as you wrap your own arms around Buck, biting the inside of your cheek as you wait for some answers. Buck stays quiet for a few minutes, though he doesn’t tense once, and you know that the answers aren’t going to be bad or give much clarity.

“I’m going to say it’s a case of mistaken identity, Eds. I was out doing groceries this morning, remember?” Buck whispers and you find yourself pulling away lightly, shaking your head. 

“I kind of forgot everything when Athena called and Bobby told us the news,” You admit, a small shrug of your shoulders while Buck chuckles, learning forward to kiss your forehead. You close your eyes, and take in a deep breath, blinking them open and smiling at Buck as you do so. 

“Is it terrible if I ask for you not to leave me anytime soon?” You end up asking after a few minutes of silence, and you ignore the way Buck laughs, because it’s something the both of you have asked one another -him, after you were trapped in a well and you - a hell of a lot more often, admittedly. 

“Eddie, I don’t plan on going anywhere,” Buck admits and you smile, moving back into his chest and closing your eyes.

“What was going on with Maddie?” You ask in his chest, Buck sighing softly.

“Chimney told Maddie I was dead, so I was calling her to make sure she knew I wasn’t. She’s on her way to visit Athena to give her a piece of her mind, and tell her that you know, I’m not dead,” Buck chuckles and you can’t stop yourself from shivering slightly, knowing that Maddie on her own is one thing, but Maddie going up against Athena for Buck is a whole other ball game.

“Maddie wasn’t too thrilled to hear you were dead, then?” You ask, pulling away completely to sit back onto the bed, looking at your phone and completely relaxing after seeing Buck follow you to the bed, shaking his head.

“Nope. She called me immediately, with Chimney, to confirm I was very much alive. She also did so while I was trying to get you to look at me,” Buck adds and you can’t help but frown, looking down and away before letting out a small breath and shrugging your shoulders. You’ve never reacted like that to anything, and it terrifies you that losing Buck could do that to you, but you’re not surprised, either. Buck is the world to you, to Christopher, and losing him - the very thought is terrifying.

“But I’m not going anywhere, alright? And if there’s another moment in time where you think I’m dead, call me first?” Buck asks and you can’t help but chuckle, nodding your head and moving forward to nudge his shoulders before taking his chin in your hands and kissing him, letting the kiss become out of control, letting your emotions take over as you reacquaint yourselves with one another.


	10. Must Find

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He has to focus, he thinks, blinking and shaking his head, raising his hands to rub at his face. He needs to sit down, is what he really needs, but he needs to find Christopher first. He needs to find Chris, because he can’t fail Eddie, or Chris, or --_
> 
> \----
> 
> Day 10 of Whumptober - Internal Bleeding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is being posted now, simply because I'm going away from the 8th-12th and won't have internet where I'm at. Buck speaks Spanish in this chapter - a translation can be found in the end notes :)

As night falls, Buck begins to feel his heart falling in time with the sun, though it does not rise with the moon. The cuts on his face have stopped bleeding, but he can’t stop limping thanks to the pain his leg is in. He’s freezing, his entire body shaking, but he knows he can’t stop, not until he finds Christopher. He’s already found his glasses, he thinks, and he can only pray that he finds more of Chris, and that he’s not hurt, or injured seriously, or god help him, worse. He’s moving slowly, and his teeth gnash together after a few minutes as he continues walking through the streets. He’s thankful the water has receded, but because he’s so cold, he can’t help but wonder if he’s missing something obvious, other than the fact that his body is wet, and cold. 

He keeps thinking about that. How he’s freezing, and how he lost his best friend’s son, and how Eddie would never forgive him for doing so. He tries his best not to think about how much pain he’s in, and he tries his best to not think about the fact that he’s probably gone backwards in his progress when it comes to getting back to work but --- 

He has to focus, he thinks, blinking and shaking his head, raising his hands to rub at his face. He needs to sit down, is what he really needs, but he needs to find Christopher first. He needs to find Chris, because he can’t fail Eddie, or Chris, or --

Suddenly, he can feel someone slamming into him and he sucks back a breath, his chest hurting as his arms automatically wrap around the building that is holding onto his lower legs, gasping when he realizes it’s Chris, of all people. He begins saying his thanks quietly, so damn thankful that he found Chris - or that Chris found him, that he doesn’t even realize there’s people behind Chris, staring curiously.

“Superman,” Buck gasps out, eyes widening as he does his best to lift up the young boy, holding onto him a little more tightly than he should but ignoring the guilt in his mind when Chris doesn’t say anything and just holds onto him tightly too.

“I’m so sorry, buddy,” Buck whispers, continuing his apologies even though Chris is telling him there’s nothing to apologize for, that Buck found him again, that everything is going to be alright. Buck doesn’t know how much of that to believe, if he’s being honest with himself, if only because he can’t feel his right side, and his vision keeps going in and out - but he needs to pull through, needs to pull through for Chris, and Eddie - at least until Chris is completely safe, Buck thinks.

After a few minutes of him just holding Chris, he sees a woman step forward, and he smiles gratefully at her.

“Thank you so much for finding him,” He says, grabbing his side briefly before looking at the woman when she nods her head, arching his eyebrow in a little bit of confusion before he feels Chris tugging on his sleeve.

“She speaks Spanish, Bucky,” Chris whispers and Buck finds himself chuckling, nodding his head.

"Muchas gracias por encontrarlo" he repeats, smiling when the lady grins in response.

"De nada. Siguió hablando de encontrar su Buck, y cuando te vimos, prácticamente corrió para encontrarte,” She admits and Buck finds himself breathing deeply in relief, kissing the top of Chris’ head before nodding.

"No sé qué habría hecho si no lo hubiera encontrado. Muchas gracias," Buck repeats, shaking his head briefly before shifting and continuing,"¿Sabes si hay un hospital cerca?" He asks, biting the inside of his cheek and blinking tiredly, feeling like he needs to vomit but doing his best to hold it back.

When she nods, Buck can feel himself relaxing and his heart soaring at the same time, a grin forming on his face.

“!Gracias, perfecto! ¿Sabe en dónde está?" He asks again, grinning when she gives him directions, tells him to “Siga por esa calle y luego dé dos vueltas a la derecha donde hay una heladería y una barbería. Ahi encotrara el hospital,” she states and Buck can’t stop himself from stepping forward and hugging her in thanks before making his way through to her instructions.

He doesn’t know how much time has passed before he finally sees the hospital that’s been set up, and a rush of relief courses through him as he shifts his hold on Christopher, smiling when the young kid looks at him tiredly. He’s exhausted, and he still feels like he needs to vomit, and he can barely feel his right side, but he continues walking towards the hospital set up, feeling thankful when a bunch of doctors, nurses and first responders notice him and rush towards him.

“His name’s Christopher, he’s got CP, and we were at the pier when the tsunami hit,” Buck says as fast and succinctly as he can before he falls to the ground, unable to hold himself up anymore. He’s pretty sure he hears someone yell his name, but he can’t see around him anymore, and next thing he knows is just pure blackness, and the weight of Christopher at his side.

* * *

Waking up to the sound of beeping, Buck can’t help but let out a groan, raising his hand to rub his face before frowning when he realizes he  _ can’t raise his hand _ . Opening his eyes completely, he blinks in surprise at the IV piercing his skin, and the hand holding his own hand down, the hand held by his best friend, Christopher in his lap nearly asleep.

“Eddie?” Buck tries to say, clearing his throat when Eddie looks towards him before he grabs a cup of water, which Buck takes gratefully. The next few minutes pass by in complete silence as Buck continues to drink before Eddie puts the cup away and stares at him, a small sigh escaping from him that has Buck shying away into the bed he’s in.

“Your leg is a little bit fucked up - you got lucky that you were mainly in water, but there was some pressure on it so your recovery is pushed back a week or so. However, you got cut in your stomach and arms, and had a fair amount of internal bleeding in your lungs,” Eddie says and Buck’s eyes widen, his entire body trying to push upwards so he can look at himself, do a mental check, but Eddie is pushing him back down and shaking his head, hissing softly.

“You’re going to be fine, Buck, if you don’t stop trying to push yourself,” Eddie snaps and Buck relaxes, looking at his best friend in confusion, eyes narrowed.

“I had internal bleeding?” He asks, biting the inside of his cheek, trying to figure out what to do with that information.

“Yes. But they managed to sew you back up and stop the bleeding, and you just need to stay on bedrest for a few more days.” Eddie says and with a knowing look, he shakes his head.

“Which you will be doing at my house, with Christopher, because I don’t want you moping around your home alone right now,” he adds, a small smile on his face as Buck snorts, nodding his head.

“You just want to keep your eye on me,” he snorts, about to laugh before stopping when Eddie turns to look at him, completely serious.

“Every time I turn around, there’s something putting you in a hospital, so yeah, I want you somewhere I can get to you if something happens,” Eddie says, looking away briefly before continuing, “I already lost my wife. Don’t make me lose you too, Buck,” he finishes and Buck feels like he can’t breath, his eyes widening as he nods and gulpgs, squeezing Eddie’s hand in understanding as Eddie nods himself, the two remaining quiet for a little while longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the paragraph that Buck speaks in Spanish with the lady who finds Chris. Thanks to Sarah / autumnchills for helping me out with the spanish and on tumblr, thanks to [imcatchingteardropsinmyhands](https://imcatchingteardropsinmyhands.tumblr.com/) and [nicole](https://luifairesaigner.tumblr.com/).
> 
> _"“Thank you so much for finding him," he repeats, smiling when the lady grins in response._
> 
> _“You’re welcome. He kept talking about finding his Buck, and when we saw you, he practically ran to get to you,” She admits and Buck finds himself breathing deeply in relief, kissing the top of Chris’ head before nodding._
> 
> _“I don’t know what I would’ve done if I hadn’t found him. Thank you so much,” Buck repeats, shaking his head briefly before shifting and continuing, “Do you know if there’s any hospitals set up nearby?” He asks, biting the inside of his cheek and blinking tiredly, feeling like he needs to vomit but doing his best to hold it back._
> 
> _When she nods, Buck can feel himself relaxing and his heart soaring at the same time, a grin forming on his face._
> 
> _“Thank you, this is amazing. Do you know where it is?” He asks, grinning when she gives him directions, tells him to ‘Keep going down that street, and then take two right turns where there’s an Ice Cream Shop and a Barber Shop, and then you’ll be able to find the hospital,” she states and Buck can’t stop himself from stepping forward and hugging her in thanks before making his way through to her instructions._


	11. You're Not Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“You’re an idiot, you know that?” Eddie asks you and your eyes narrow, your body pushing itself away from Eddie as you cross your arms in front of you. Things between you and Eddie are only now just getting back to normal after everything, so Eddie calling you an idiot, even after what he knows --_
> 
> \----
> 
> Or, Buck feels alone and Eddie sets him...well, not straight, but... you get it. Whumptober day 11, crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is being posted now, simply because I'm going away from the 8th-12th and won't have internet where I'm at.

No matter how hard you try to explain, no one understands. No one understands what you mean when you say you’ll be all alone, that everyone will forget about you eventually. They try to placate you with platitudes, and you hate it, because no one understands and no one is  _ trying _ to understand, and it makes you feel like you’re stuck in the past, when you tried suing the team and no one understood then. When no one wanted to understand. 

Coming back from the funeral, you shove your hands into the pockets of your jacket, and walk away from the service, body hunched forward. You’re alone - you’re always alone, you think - and as you walk towards your jeep, you can’t help but wonder if you’re going to be alone forever. You don’t have anyone to go home to, no matter how much you want someone to go home to, and you don’t have any friends outside of work, which is something that took you by surprise when you truly realized it.

You’re alone, and normally you try not to think about it, but as tears fall down your cheeks, you can’t help but think about how in thirty years or so, you’re going to be just like the man you buried today, and how there’s probably going to be no one at your funeral - just like there was no one other than you at his.

Driving to your apartment is easy - it’s routine, you think, because even though you’re driving while crying, a dangerous thing to be doing, you make it to the apartment in one piece, sooner than you thought was possible. You don’t notice the fact that there’s a familiar car in your visitor’s parking spot, your eyes closed against the barrage of emotions you’re feeling.

You don’t notice the signs that someone is waiting for you at your apartment until you open the door and you find yourself blinking when you see Eddie, and you feel Eddie’s hands around your neck before he’s caressing your cheeks, and all you’re feeling is a battle of confusion and gratitude to have Eddie’s hands  _ on _ you. 

“What are you doing here?” You ask, still frowning as you lean away from Eddie, though it pains you to do so. You can hear Eddie scoff, and you see him shake his head, but you don’t say anything about it, waiting for some sort of answer instead.

“You’re an idiot, you know that?” Eddie asks you and your eyes narrow, your body pushing itself away from Eddie as you cross your arms in front of you. Things between you and Eddie are only now just getting back to normal after everything, so Eddie calling you an idiot, even after what he knows --

“What the hell, man?” You ask, anger running through you as Eddie scoffs and steps forward, his arms resting on your own.

“Do you really think that in twenty years from now, you’re going to be living here, stil by yourself, and we would have all moved on?” Eddie asks and you find yourself so surprised by the question that you can’t help but blink, still frowning, before scowling, realizing that your sister probably talked to Eddie about what you talked about earlier - however brief it was.

“Buck,” Eddie says, stepping closer again and you can’t move back anymore, your back already against the wall, so you gulp and shift, wonder what Eddie’s about to say, brows furrowing.

“If you believe that, you’re an idiot, Buck,” Eddie says and you open and close your mouth before pouting a little.

“Why does that make me an idiot when it’s true?” You ask, shaking your head, ignoring the way Eddie scoffs, stepping forward once more and wiping the water tracks from under your eyes, surprising you completely, since you had forgotten about the fact that you had been crying in the first place.

“Because if you think for one second that I’m leaving you, you’re not as smart as you claim to be,’ Eddie says and you feel so confused, more confused than ever, but you remain silent because what else is there to say in this moment?

“Buck, c’mon, you can’t be this blind,” Eddie says and you shake your head, not quite sure what to say, especially with Eddie’s words ringing around in your head.

“Clearly, I’m incredibly blind, Eddie. Why not just tell me what you mean instead of talking around it?” You say, shoulders slumping as Eddie chuckles and shakes his head, a small frown on his face before he steps closer and smiles.

“The only way you’re going to be alone in twenty to thirty years is if I die before you, Buck. Because I'm not leaving you anytime soon, and I’m not going to be forgetting about you any time soon either. How could I  _ possibly _ forget about the man I’m in love with?” Eddie asks and you suck back a breath, eyes widening as you look at Eddie, shocked.

“You’re in love with me?” You ask, tilting your head and you have no doubt you look like a damn puppy by doing so, but right now, you don’t care, not when Eddie steps closer and wraps his arms around you, pulling you in closer before nodding his head.

“I am so in love with you Buck. I’m surprised you didn’t realize that as soon as I did,” Eddie whispers and your heart pounds inside of your chest and you shake your head, still unable to believe it.

“I--” You begin, before pausing and shrugging your shoulders, looking at Eddie with a small frown before letting out a breath and biting the inside of your cheek.

“You’re not going to be alone, Buck. I’m not going to let what happened to Red happen to you, okay?” Eddie whispers and you find yourself nodding, believing him, even though you know you’re not going to believe every single time in the future. However, according to Eddie, he’s going to be there to set you straight, and the thought alone makes you smile lightly and rest your head on Eddie’s shoulder, even though it hurts a little to lean down so much.

“Are you proposing to me before we even start dating?” You tease, and you can hear Eddie let out a laugh, eyes fluttering close when his fingers run through your hair and tug lightly, Eddie shrugging his shoulders before smirking.

“If that’s what it will take for you to realize you have a family, then absolutely,” Eddie says, and you can tell he’s serious, so you don’t laugh but you nod your head and smile. You know that you’re going to have to tell Eddie why you truly believe you’ll be alone, and you’ll have to get into your history with your parents but for the first time in god knows how long -- you don’t mind opening up, not to your best friend.

And as he grabs your hand and squeezes, you can’t help but think, however briefly, that maybe it’s a good thing you’ve experienced what you’ve experienced, because it led you directly to Eddie and Chris, and even though it will take a while to believe it, they  _ are _ your family.


	12. Break it Once

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Because that’s what was going on, Buck realized after a few minutes. Bobby was holding him back from work, and for a reason that Buck couldn’t see, couldn’t understand, couldn’t know about._
> 
> \----
> 
> Also known as, Buck finds out Bobby is the one holding him back from work. Day 12 of Whumptober - Broken Trust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who reviewed the past few chapters. The comments made my day while I was away on my mini-vacation. I hope all of my fellow Canadian readers had a good thanksgiving, and I now give you Day 12 of Whumptober. I'm trying to catch up, so hopefully Day 13 and 14 get posted soon.

Walking away from Bobby’s house, Buck can’t help but shove his hands into his pockets with a frown, pacing back and forth as his body tenses like a snake ready to spring forth and attack. He clenches his hands, curls his fingers so that they form a fist, a snarl breaking free as he heads to his car and opens the door, jumping into his jeep before slamming the door shut, ignoring the small pang of guilt at the motion, wondering if he’s woken anyone in the Grant-Nash household up before scowling even harder, deciding he just doesn’t care, too angry and too hurt to do so. 

He wants to punch something, wants to go to one of the well known street fights that LA has and knock someone out but he takes a deep breath, hands clenching around the steering wheel, not realizing he had even placed his hands on top of it in the first place. 

Taking a deep breath, Buck starts his jeep, closes his eyes and then begins the drive, doing his best to keep calm throughout. How  _ dare  _ Bobby keep him from doing his job, when even the chief of the department said he was okay to come back. When he had even been tested for his response and reactions, he had been good, for fucks sake. The doctor had signed off on him being okay to work, the department had signed off on him being okay and the entire time he thought it was some higher up, it was god damn fucking  _ Bobby _ , which hurt a lot more than Buck thought it would. The entire time Bobby was holding him back, for reasons Buck didn’t understand and it absolutely killed him. Did Bobby not  _ trust _ him? Buck didn’t understand,  _ couldn’t _ understand why it was that Bobby was holding him back.

Because that’s what was going on, Buck realized after a few minutes. Bobby was holding him back from work, and for a reason that Buck couldn’t see, couldn’t understand, couldn’t know about. Briefly, he thinks about the fact that maybe he should’ve stayed and talked to Bobby a little bit more, but there was so much Buck didn’t understand, so much Buck was  _ feeling _ that he had to get out of there before he said something he regretted -- before he  _ did _ something he regretted.

It was too late now, though, Buck realized, shaking his head and slowing his car down at the next light, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before opening them and waiting. When the light turns green, Buck pushes his foot down, a frown on his face as he tries to think about what happened in Bobby’s point of view. No matter how hard he tries though, he doesn’t understand, can’t comprehend why Bobby would stop him from coming back to work - no matter how hard he tries, Buck can’t find a reason why Bobby, of all people, would stop him from returning.

Buck can recognize that the fact hurts. He trusted Bobby, trusted him as a friend and, more importantly, as a captain, and now he’s found out that Bobby has gone behind his back and has stopped him from returning to the one fucking thing that makes him feel whole, and -- it hurts a hell of a lot more than what some people would’ve assumed. He feels like Bobby doesn’t -- doesn’t find him capable, despite everything he’s been through, and that hurts even more than Buck ever thought it would. Briefly, Buck finds himself looking towards the little storage pocket under the radio, frowning at the card the lawyer gave him earlier in the day. His mind can’t help but take him back to what the lawyer had told him, and his fingers itch to take the card and pull over, make a call that he doesn’t know if he should go through with. After a moment, he vows to look at the card when he gets home, and then --

Before he knows it, Buck finds himself parking his jeep and looking up, is surprised to find himself in front of Eddie’s home. Biting his lower lip, he takes in the home, how most of the lights are off and looks at the time, taking note that Christopher is no doubt asleep and Eddie -- Eddie is no doubt on the couch, watching the television but not really paying attention to whatever is playing. Letting out a small breath, Buck can’t help but smile - he had wanted to go home, wanted to go where he felt most comfortable and safe, and had gone to Eddie’s. Buck wasn’t dumb, he knew what that meant for him.

He knew how in love with Eddie he was, no matter how much he didn’t act on it, what with Eddie losing Shannon just recently. Knows that -- well, he knows a lot about himself, Buck thinks with another frown, rolling his eyes before grabbing his phone and shooting a quick text off to Eddie, hoping the man hasn’t fallen asleep on the couch and will answer him relatively soon. Within seconds though, his phone is notifying him of a new text and he can’t help but read it quickly before getting out of his car and heading towards Eddie’s front door, his shoulders relaxing more and more the closer he gets.

Opening and closing the door as silently as he can, Buck enters the home and instantly feels calm before he heads towards the couch, smiling in thanks when he sits down next to Eddie and is handed a beer - a beer he definitely needs, because he knows Eddie is going to be able to see that something is wrong with Buck,and is going to ask him about it. It’s not an immediate reaction though, it takes Eddie a few minutes and Buck a few pulls of the bottle before Eddie shifts closer to Buck and nudges him.

“What’s going on, Buck?” Eddie asks and Buck can’t help but take a deep breath and close his eyes before opening them and looking at Eddie with a small frown.

“I found out why I’m not returning to work, despite everyone saying I’m able to,” Buck eventually responds, watching as Eddie frowns and shifts, moving closer to him, clearly curious and not knowing, and something in Buck grows - his fear that Eddie had known what Bobby was doing no longer a tiny thought in the back of his brain.

“Buck, why? What’s going on?” Eddie asks and Buck shakes his head briefly, does his best to get out of his mind, his thoughts, and looks at his best friend with a frown before blowing out a huff of frustrated air.

“Bobby. He’d been telling everyone I wasn’t ready, despite them saying I was,” Buck admits, shifting, uncomfortable because what if  _ Eddie _ thinks he wasn’t ready, just like Bobby did. Buck doesn’t know what he would do if Eddie believed he wasn’t ready to return to work - if his own partner thought he should be put on the backburner, like Bobby did. Buck didn’t know if he could handle the pain and betrayal that thought caused him, and he couldn’t help but raise his hand and rub at his chest briefly, closing his eyes just as briefly before opening them when Eddie makes a scoffing sound.

“Why on Earth would Bobby think you weren’t ready? You’ve taken numerous tests, you’ve proven yourself, you’ve---” Eddie begins before trailing off, shaking his head and frowning himself and you can’t help but smile at the ma, feeling hope rise in you, feeling like maybe you shouldn’t have misjudged Eddie so much so quickly, since there’s a reason he’s his best friend and maybe, possibly, even more, in the future.

“I thought about calling the lawyer,” Buck admits, biting his lower lip and looking at Eddie carefully, watching as Eddie freezes and turns to look at him.

“You would have the right,” Eddie admits slowly and Buck can see how much it hurts, how much Eddie doesn’t want him to but it’s ---

“Did you know Chimney had rebar through his head? He was back in a month.” Buck admits, and he can see Eddie frown, but can see the realization hit Eddie as to why Buck would go through to speaking with a lawyer.

“And if Bobby can allow Chim back after a month, why is he stopping you from coming back?” Eddie asks, finishing Buck’s thought and Buck can’t help but nod, even though he knows going to a lawyer might just fuck everything up - especially if he goes to the lawyer from earlier in the day.

“Think about it, Buck. Don’t just -- jump into the decision to get a lawyer, alright?” Eddie asks, and the way he’s looking at Buck, Buck can’t stop the way his heart jumps into his throat as he nods, even as he tries to swallow down the emotions building inside of him.

“Okay.” Buck says, nudging Eddie, not quite sure how much longer he can think on it, but promising himself he will - for Eddie


	13. relax, then cough, then repeat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I need you to face into the toilet, babe. Pretty sure you’re dry drowning,” Eddie whispers and Buck can’t help but frown at those words, shaking his head briefly._
> 
> \----
> 
> Day thirteen of whumptober - delayed drowning. Post tsunami.

Finally feeling like he could relax now that Christopher was with Eddie, Buck found himself slouching in the seat he had flopped into earlier, his eyes closing as he threw his hands up to cover his face. All Buck could feel, admittedly, was exhausted, but that didn’t surprise him - not when he had been in a tsunami, had saved his best friend’s son twice, and had probably re-injured his leg all over again thanks to the running and the water and -- Buck knew he should feel disappointment, knew he probably would later on, but right at this moment, he really didn’t care. Letting out a soft cough, Buck found himself letting out a small breath, moving his one hand to rub at his chest with a frown before opening his eyes and searching out for Christopher, not wanting to lose sight of the child again.

It doesn’t take long for Buck to find Christopher, and Eddie, and he finds himself feeling relieved, letting out another cough while shifting in his chair, beginning to feel uncomfortable as the pain in his chest begins to grow, a grimace forming on his face. He notices Eddie look at him for a few seconds more and more, and he can’t help but begin to feel confusion over why, but he ignores the thoughts, ignores the fact that Eddie is probably going to be furious at him for losing Christopher, is probably never going to trust him again and --

“Buck--” he hears and he finds himself blinking, jolting upwards with a gasp before rubbing at his chest once more, trying to smile at a suddenly appearing Eddie, though he doesn’t know how well that works when Eddie only frowns and kneels down in front of him, Chris holding onto him, clearly tired.

“Eds, you should get him home,” Buck whispers, shaking his head when Eddie looks at him with a raised eyebrow, not understanding the statement but still finding himself frowning anyways because he can read his best friend quite well.

“I plan on getting him home, but we don’t want to go home without you, Buck, so we don’t mind waiting until a doctor checks up on you,” Eddie whispers and Buck finds himself wiggling his nose, feeling distaste creep up his throat like vomit before he shakes the thought away and takes a deep breath, which only causes him to rub at his chest some more.

“Are you alright?” Eddie asks, noticing the movement and frowning as he leans forward and places his hand on Buck’s shoulder, squeezing. Buck can feel the heat from Eddie’s hand course through him and warm him up, and he can’t help but lean into the touch, lean into Eddie in a way he hasn’t done in who knows how long. He can feel Eddie’s fingers tighten briefly, Eddie lean closer himself before running his fingers through Buck’s hair, which has him shivering lightly, the touch something he didn’t know he needed in the moment but is glad he is getting.

Unable to stop himself, Buck lets out another cough, missing the way Eddie’s eyes narrow when he’s done and rubs at his chest before Eddie startles, standing up, which startles Buck in turn. Looking up at Eddie in confusion, Buck’s own eyes narrow when he sees the way Eddie is eyeing him up, not quite sure how to feel about the look in Eddie’s eyes.

“Ed--” he begins before coughing once more, which soon turns into hacking coughs. Buck can feel himself hurting, can feel himself needing to vomit as he coughs, and Buck hates vomiting, hates having to feel something come up in his throat, hates --

He can’t think any longer, pushing Eddie away quickly so he can run to the nearest toilet, barely making it in time before he vomits up --

“Water?” Eddie whispers before his eyes widen even more. He’s a flurry of movement after that, fast enough that Buck can’t really keep track of him, and his eyebrows furrow as he tries to do so. He doesn’t know what Eddie is thinking, doesn’t really understand, but suddenly Eddie is in front of him, and his hands are on his face, and he can’t help but feel even more confused, wondering what the hell is going on in Eddie’s mind. Letting out another cough, Buck tries his best to breathe deep through the feeling and urge he has to vomit, looking at Eddie, not quite sure anymore what’s going on.

“Eddie, wha--” Buck begins before cutting himself off with another cough, feeling flem come up and spitting it into the toilet, a small groan escaping from him as he rests his head on the wall, feeling gross.

“I need you to face into the toilet, babe. Pretty sure you’re dry drowning,” Eddie whispers and Buck can’t help but frown at those words, shaking his head briefly. A small thrill shoots through him at Eddie calling him babe, but he ignores that as he continues to feel crappy, looking at Eddie through hooded eyes, frowning.

“Dry drowning?” He asks, and part of him shakes his head, a groan breaking free before he ends up back into the toilet, vomiting more water up and moaning pitifully as his eyes close. He can feel Eddie’s hand on his back, rubbing circles onto it and he feels safe and calm as his best friend does so, a small smile forming on his face.

“The dad in you is comin’ out,” Buck can’t help but chuckle, ignoring the way Eddie’s eyes narrow before he lets out a huff of laughter.

“Yeah, well, if it means getting you home faster, I don’t mind or care if the Dad in me comes out,” Eddie responds and Buck wants to make a joke, and by the way Eddie huffs out another laugh, his best friend knows that Buck wants to make said joke, but he holds back, looking up at Eddie and shaking his head briefly.

“Home, hey?” He asks, shifting a little as Eddie nods and hums and Buck bites the inside of his cheek, feeling flushed even after everything he’s been feeling.

“Yeah, home. Think it’s ‘bout time you come home,” Eddie responds, though he’s not looking at Buck and Buck can’t help but hum in response, nodding his head briefly before nudging Eddie.

“Wouldn’t mind coming home after everything. Wanna help me up so we can leave?” He asks, ignoring the way Eddie grins as he helps him up, Buck groaning slightly and swaying until Eddie wraps his arms around his waist, helping him towards a doctor so he can get checked out and they can go home.


	14. bright as oranges

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He doesn’t know what happens next, doesn’t quite remember moving his hand and shaking Eddie awake. Eddie will tell him later that it was the fear in Buck’s voice that got him going - fear for him, for Buck’s self and for Chris_
> 
> \----
> 
> day fourteen of whumptober - fire.

He doesn’t realize at first, what’s woken him up. It’s late in the middle of the night - Buck can see the alarm clock flashing out of the corner of his eye, knows it’s late enough that being awake is out of the norm for him, but he doesn’t think about it, kicking off the blanket on top of him instead while trying to get comfortable enough once more to fall back to sleep. He’s hot - overly hot, admittedly, and he’s almost tempted to throw Eddie’s arm off of his waist, but he knows it’s not going to change anything, knows Eddie will just throw his arm back over his waist even in his sleep, annoyingly enough. In the back of his mind, he can hear a sound that he doesn’t recognize, and he finds himself furrowing his brow in his sleep as his eyes close, exhaustion coursing through him, telling him he clearly hasn’t slept well enough, unfortunately.

And he hasn’t -- slept well, he thinks, shifting in bed as he becomes more and more hot in the bed, frowning briefly before opening his eyes. He normally sleeps amazingly well, especially with Eddie holding him in his arms and Chris down the hall but tonight -- tonight, Buck felt like something was  _ off _ , something was screaming at him to pay attention, to open his eyes wider, to  _ look _ . 

Opening his eyes completely, Buck found himself frowning, carefully dislodging Eddie’s arms and pulling himself up in the shared bed, shaking his head as he looked around the room, biting the inside of his cheek as his eyes landed on every section of the room and didn’t notice anything off. Just as he’s about to fall onto his back for good and fall back to sleep, Buck finds himself looking at the door to the room he shares with Eddie, cracked open just slightly on the off chance Christopher needs one of them, frowning when he realizes there’s an orange light coming from under the gaps.

Tilting his head briefly, Buck finds himself blinking, heart pounding inside of his chest. That light is important, he thinks, though embarrassingly enough, it takes Buck a few minutes before his eyes widen and his heart feels like it’s going to break outside of his chest, the realization settling over him like ice-cold water.

He doesn’t know what happens next, doesn’t quite remember moving his hand and shaking Eddie awake. Eddie will tell him later that it was the fear in Buck’s voice that got him going - fear for him, for Buck’s self and for Chris. Buck barely remembers doing what he does - barely remembers grabbing a bunch of clothes and wrapping his face, throwing some at Eddie for Eddie to do the same, and then grabbing some for Chris.

When he opens the door to the bedroom, Buck blinks, finds himself taking a step backwards at the height of the flames in front of him. Briefly, all Buck can feel is pure  _ panic _ , because the flames are so damn close, and they’re so damn hot, and they’re blocking him from getting to Chris, his  _ son _ , even if it’s not technically true.

“You’re a firefighter, Buckley, this should be easy,” Buck whispers to himself, straightening his shoulders and his spine, trying his best not to just fall apart when he feels Eddie’s hand at the base of his back. He’s a firefighter, this should be easy, but usually when he’s working, he’s in a damn suit, not boxers and a t-shirt. The flames are getting higher and hotter, and he knows he needs to get a move on, or they’re all going to get wiped out, and he can’t let that happen. 

“C’mon,” he shouts back at Eddie, slowly heading towards Christopher’s room, coughing into his shirt as he shakes his head, hand on the wall to help guide him. Everything around him is bathed in an orange light, and it’s eerie and terrifying and Buck feels completely lost. His heart is racing, sweat drips down his body from the heat, and he thinks he’s imagining the sound of alarms on a firetruck, because there’s no way he could hear the alarms over the sound of fire, no matter how hard he hopes, wishes and dreams that the one-eighteen will be here soon - if at all.

When he finally finds himself in front of Chris’ room, he can’t help but relax just slightly, pushing the door open and yelling for Chris, sobbing when he spots him huddled in the corner. Chris rushes to him and Eddie with no seconds lost, but Buck can feel the heat of the flames behind him, twinges slightly as his back  _ hurts _ , watching Eddie carefully as he pries open Chris’ window.

“Buck, c’mon, we gotta climb through,” Buck hears Eddie scream, though he doesn’t know for sure if that’s what being said - is just putting the words together because Eddie is pointing at the window, the window that’s now wide open. Buck nods, heads towards Eddie, the window and fresh air without a thought, cradling a sobbing Chris into his chest as he tries to take a deep breath and ends up coughing instead, his mouth tasting like ash.

Buck doesn’t think anything of it, handing Chris to his father, watching as Eddie climbs out and holds Chris tightly to him before placing Chris down slightly further away so Eddie can help Buck out. Buck wants to shake his head, wants to exit his home by himself, but he feels weak, feels exhausted, and he grabs Eddie’s hand gratefully, nearly stumbling forward as he swings his legs around the edge of the window.

He feels like he’s barely made it out of the home before Eddie is dragging him away. Buck can’t stop the sob that escapes from him as he turns around to look at his home, the fire trucks pulling up as he continues to cough.

“It’s okay, it’ll be alright,” Eddie whispers, arms around Chris as his head rests on Buck’s shoulder. Buck doesn’t know who Eddie is trying to convince with that statement, but he stays silent in response, shaking his head with wide eyes.

“We have each other. That’s what is important,” Eddie adds and Buck finds himself gulping, because that’s true but --- everything was in that home. Their home. And now, it’s up in flames and Buck has no idea what to do - and if he doesn’t know what to do, neither does Eddie.

“We’ll be alright,” Eddie adds, trailing off at the end as Buck bites his lower lip and hopes his boyfriend is right.


	15. such a pretty little thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Blinking open his eyes, Buck can’t help the small groan that escapes from him as he adjusts to the light. He’s gone from bright light thanks to the sunshine to nearly pure darkness, and with his heart pounding inside of his chest, Buck doesn’t really know how to feel about that. When his eyes finally adjust to the room he’s in, he does his best to look around, another small groan escaping from him when he realizes he’s in a chair, tied up, in a basement._
> 
> \----
> 
> Day 15 of Whumptober - Possession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the wait on this chapter. I wanted to catch up before posting all of the chapters, aha. Enjoy.

When Buck first met Eddie, the first thought Buck had about him was how attractive Eddie was. It made Buck annoyed, so very annoyed, and he couldn’t help but take his annoyance out on Eddie and -- well, he knew how obvious that behaviour was, admittedly. But then -- then Buck stopped acting like an idiot, and he started being the other man’s friend, unable to ignore the pull that he felt towards Eddie. And eventually he had realized that he had felt more for Eddie than just  _ friendship _ , and that thought had terrified Buck a little more than he would’ve liked. But -- but Eddie must have seen something in his face when they had hung out more recently because they were kissing, and -- well, Buck had certainly enjoyed that.

And now, five months later, Buck and Eddie were dating, and Buck was -- Buck was part of a family, something he didn’t think he’d ever have after he left his family down in Pennsylvania. He felt like a second father to Chris, the ki amazing and brilliant and everything Buck loved in a kid. And Eddie - Eddie had helped him grow so much, helped him become a better man, a man he could be proud of.

And Buck - Buck couldn’t help but grin at Eddie every time he saw him, and he couldn’t help but grin at Chris, either, because the two of them made up his home in ways he never thought imaginable.

“Shit, we’re out of milk,” Buck hears Eddie say and Buck finds himself blinking, a frown on his face as he looks at Eddie and then the fridge before letting out a small laugh.

“Do you want me to go out and get some?” Buck asks, chuckling when he feels Christopher nudge him, and Eddie looks up at him with a soft smile before he nods his head. Buck doesn't’ mind, not when the nearest store for milk is a few minutes away by car, even in LA traffic. He knows he’ll only be gone for fifteen minutes at the most, so he decides to leave his phone on the counter, getting up and kissing Eddie quickly before ruffling Chris’ hair and walking out the door.

* * *

“That’ll be $3.50,” the cashier at the store says and Buck smiles, handing over the cash though he can’t help but tense up a little when a woman that he spotted earlier continues to watch him from the other cashier’s aisle. He had noticed her a few minutes after entering the store, noticed how she didn’t keep her eyes off of him, though the look in her eyes was one that made him uncomfortable due to the angry heat behind them. Usually, he was used to people looking at him with lust or interest but anger, hate? It confused Buck, made him feel more uncomfortable than ever and had him wondering just what was going through this woman’s mind.

The moment he had left the store though, Buck found himself relaxing - though he couldn’t help but notice that the woman still followed him, even if she maintained a healthy distance away from him. Briefly, he couldn’t help but feel like he should’ve bought his damn phone with him instead of leaving it at home but as he got to his car, he shook the thought out of his mind, groaning when he dropped his keys, feeling aggravated with himself as he bent down to pick the keys up, not getting back up as the lady from before knocked him over the head.

* * *

Blinking open his eyes, Buck can’t help the small groan that escapes from him as he adjusts to the light. He’s gone from bright light thanks to the sunshine to nearly pure darkness, and with his heart pounding inside of his chest, Buck doesn’t really know how to feel about that. When his eyes finally adjust to the room he’s in, he does his best to look around, another small groan escaping from him when he realizes he’s in a chair, tied up, in a basement.

He knows that even if he screams, no one will be able to hear him. Squinting his eyes, Buck is positive that there’s a person watching him, and he gets his thoughts confirmed a few moments later when the woman from earlier steps forward, a scowl on her face while Buck tries to shift in the chair, hating how angry she looks at him.

He’s never done well with people who are angry at him, he thinks. From his parents, to Bobby, to even Eddie, now, though luckily, Eddie nor Chris have been angry with him in a way he hates. And this woman, he doesn’t recognize her from his Buck 1.0 days - wracks his brain trying to think back as hard as he can, and he  _ doesn’t  _ recognize her, so Buck has no idea why she’s so mad at him, he thinks, but he can’t help but feel like he needs to get the hell away from her.

“What do you want?” He asks when the woman steps closer, a snarl on her face as she grabs him by the chin and tilts his head all positions, like she’s looking for something she can’t find. His head hurts from the movements, and his chin hurts from her nails, and he can’t help but wonder how unhinged this woman truly is. He doesn’t say anything else though, couldn’t even if he tried, admittedly.

The woman hums and haws and Buck continues to frown, not quite sure how much time has passed before she eventually throws his head back and he glares lightly, trying to shake out the pan in his jaw.

“What does he see in you?” She asks and he can’t help but frown harder, not knowing what she means, though his heart is thrumming fast and hard inside of his chest as he tries to figure it out.

“You’re pretty, sure, but you look incredibly dumb. Eddie’s always valued intelligence,” she adds and Buck finds himself frowning harder, trying to sit up straight at her words, wondering how she knows Eddie, and why she’s ---

“Why he left me, I don’t know, but you---” She adds and Buck can’t understand her, can’t understand her sentences and thoughts and normally he would try to do so but right now he feels too scared, too overwhelmed and --

“You’re beautiful, and he chose you. So there must be something about you. And if Chris loves you--” Buck frowns even harder now, wants to bare his teeth at the woman, growl at her for even mentioning Chris, his son (even if he’s not), but she’s still incoherently mumbling something that he doesn’t understand.

“So it should be simple. You possess what I want in order to get Eddie and Chris back in my life, back to loving  _ me _ , and then--” she stops here, and Buck stops moving, schools his facial features, though he’s positive his eyes widen slightly when the woman moves closer, brandishing a knife in front of him.

“‘All I need to do is kill you, and then I can take your place n Eddie and Chris’ life, just like I was meant to before they left Texas,” she whispers, and Buck can hear her crystal clear now, the knife on his throat, the woman kneeling in front of him.

“Yes, yes, I’ll kill you, and go back to my Eddie, and he’ll realize his mistake, leaving me, being with you, and --” Buck tunes out at this point, eyes narrowing as he realizes just who has kidnapped him - and isn’t that hilariously ironic, he thinks - that a tiny thing like the woman in front of him was able to kidnap a huge hulking human like himself.

“You’re Melissa,” he whispers, and the woman freezes, turns towards him with curled lips, and Buck knows he’s right. Melissa, Eddie’s brief ex-girlfriend from when he still lived in Texas - they barely dated for two months, he said he found her too clingy, that there were too many warning signs and Buck -- Buck definitely agrees with Eddie.

“He’ll never get back together with you, you know that right?” Buck says arching one of his eyebrows and letting out a small huff of breath, shaking his head briefly when she glares at him. He shrugs it off though, doesn’t look away from the woman as he continues on.

“He broke up with you because you were clingy, and he thought you might be crazy. Kidnapping me to take my place? Just proving him right,” Buck adds and he can’t help the grin on his face when he hears stomping coming from above, sees Melissa’s eyes widen - he doesn’t know how much time has passed, but the firm shout of  _ police _ gives him hope, even when Melissa turns towards him and knocks him on the head once more, knocking him out before he can see the police come down the stairs and arrest Melissa. 

When he wakes up next time though - he sees Eddie and Chris, and he feels relieved - he’s home, because he’s with his boys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Sarah/[paul-strickland](https://paul-strickland.tumblr.com) for the pricing of the milk, aha.


	16. you're not real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“You’re not real,” Buck whispers and he wishes he wasn’t on the couch, wasn’t alone, could get away from the vile, furious spirit of his father that only smirked cruelly at him before stepping forward and placing his finger underneath Buck’s chin, chuckling before sliding it down his throat._
> 
> \----
> 
> Day 16 of Whumptober, hallucinations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a moment of this story, that it could seem like I'm hinting at past child abuse of a sexual nature. While that is not at all what I meant when I wrote this chapter, my friend let me know it came off this way, so if that might bug you, make sure to keep yourself safe. If it's something you don't want to read, you can skip the paragraph beginning with, _It reminds Buck of when he was a kid, when his Dad..._ and ends at _...when he was in such a great place in life, he didn’t understand._. 
> 
> I hope you guys have a good day and enjoy reading.

Walking into the front door of his home, Buck couldn’t help but take a deep breath as he placed his keys on the table by the door. His home was dark, dark enough that he couldn’t really see the furniture he knew he had, dark enough that he could pretend that when he turned on the lights to his home, he wouldn’t be so utterly alone. Today’s shift had been - grueling, if he’s being honest. He was made to stay back by Bobby, again, showing how they didn’t trust him yet, but Buck didn’t mind this one time because --

Because of the fact that lately, he wasn’t all too sure if he had been doing alright, in general. With the lawsuit over, he thought he would have no more problems - thought everything would be better. And while the team has forgiven him, Bobby has kept him off calls because of his health, worried. And it’s annoyed Buck, easily, but --

Shaking his head, he places his hand on the wall, searching for the light switch he knows is there before finding it and flicking it on, jumping back in surprise when he spots a man in front of him - a man he knows he used to call  _ Dad _ . Blinking, his heart pounds inside of his chest until the man disappears and Buck finds himself letting out a breath, placing his hand on his chest and taking another deep breath to get the vision out of his head.

It’s been like that for weeks now - random moments where he’s positive he’s seen his father, only for the figure to disappear with a cruel smirk on his face. It’s something Buck doesn’t want to think about, doesn’t want to be forced to remember, but they’ve been happening more and more lately.

He’s been getting visions, seeing his father, having headaches. Bobby has every right to be worried about his health - to the point that even Eddie has questioned him a few times, asking if everything is alright and --

Buck tells Eddie the truth, because how can he lie to the man he loves? Eddie always does his best to be there for him, to help calm him down when he thinks he sees his dad, especially when the hallucinations occur at work but when Buck is alone, like he is right now --

None of it is ever easy, he thinks, the thought brief as he moves into his home and sits on the couch, not really wanting to do anything other than sit there and try and relax. Buck closes his eyes, lets out a small sigh as his hands rub his face and run through his hair.

He knows he should probably do something - make some dinner, or turn on his television, something other than sitting on his couch with nothing going on around him but --

Opening his eyes, he blinks once more when he sees the figure of his father in front of him, his eyes narrowing, heart pounding inside of his chest. Part of him wants to ask what the figure wants - he knows it’s not his father, knows his father is long dead, knows --

Knows it would be just like his father to come haunt his ass, since he couldn’t harm him while living any longer, Buck thinks, biting the inside of his cheek and tilting his head as his father looks at him, Buck’s body shivering slightly.

“You’re not real,” Buck whispers and he wishes he wasn’t on the couch, wasn’t alone, could get away from the vile, furious spirit of his father that only smirked cruelly at him before stepping forward and placing his finger underneath Buck’s chin, chuckling before sliding it down his throat.

It reminds Buck of when he was a kid, when his Dad used to do the same thing after his Mom died, and Maddie had left, and he  _ hated _ it, so he knocked the hand away, scowled at the figure in his mind, scowled at his mind in general because why his mind was bringing up his father now, when he was in such a great place in life, he didn’t understand.

“You’re not real,” he repeats, narrowing his eyes and missing the sound of a key in the lock of his door until he hears Eddie step up next to him and sit down beside him, his hand joining Buck’s and squeezing Buck’s fingers, Buck frowning in confusion.

“How’d--”

“I tried calling you, but you weren’t answering your phone,” Eddie interrupts and Buck can’t help but stare at his best friend with wide eyes, surprised that Eddie even knew enough to --

“Maddie told me a specific date was coming up, and knowing what I know about your hallucinations, I figured I’d come spend the next few nights with you, since Chris is with his Abuela,” Eddie whispers and Buck ants to cry, wants to smile, wants --- Without much thought, Buck finds himself throwing his arms around Eddie’s shoulders, sniffling slightly as Eddie returns the hug and begins rubbing his back, up and down, like he’s a child in need of comfort.

Buck doesn’t know how much time has passed since he had thrown his arms around Eddie, but when he pulls away, he finds himself smiling gratefully at his best friend, wiping away the tears from his eyes before sitting properly on the couch, leaving next to no space between them as he tries to sort through his thoughts. If he was being honest with himself, he had completely forgotten about the fact that the anniversary of his Dad’s death was coming up.

He should’ve clued in though, especially with the hallucinations. But he didn’t, and he let himself get distracted and Buck could admit that it almost cost him his sanity. Thankfully, Eddie had been there though - Eddie had  _ known _ to be there, and Buck couldn’t help but feel grateful towards his best friend, turning to look at him with a small smile, nudging his shoulder softly to get Eddie’s attention, briefly wondering when Eddie turned the television on - another thing to be grateful about, admittedly.

“Thank you,” Buck finds himself whispering when Eddie turns to look over at him, a small smile on his face too. Buck doesn’t know how Eddie feels, doesn’t know how much Eddie knows about his Dad, about how shitty of a parent he was and Buck doesn’t want to go into it, not now, maybe not anytime soon and it’s --

Eddie knows him so well, because he nudges Buck back before turning towards the television, telling Buck he thought he might enjoy this film and all Buck sees is kids in a car and a dinosaur, and screams and he can’t help but laugh because yeah --

Eddie knows Buck well enough to know when to leave things be, because Eddie is truly the perfect best friend and even more that Buck could hope for.

“I’ll be here, you know. Whether you want to talk or not, I’m always going to be here for you,” Eddie whispers, kissing the top of Buck’s head and Buck can only nod, understanding, before he smiles towards Eddie once more and goes back to watching the film, getting comfortable against Eddie’s side for the night, more grateful for Eddie than ever before.


	17. all of that money

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“That’s partially it - see, I know you Buckley. Thanks to everything you told me, I know what makes you tick, what makes you insecure - I know all of your secrets,” the man says, stepping closer with a smirk that has Buck’s heart rising inside of his chest, the urge to step back higher than ever before.._
> 
> \----
> 
> Day 17 of Whumptober, blackmail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's not a whole lot of whump in this one, and I'm sorry for that? I hope you enjoy it regardless, though.

Carefully climbing up the stairs to his apartment, Buck couldn’t help but feel exhausted after the shift he had today. It was a shift that just never seemed to end, if he was being honest, and while he normally didn’t mind shifts like that, today was a harder shift, because of Eddie being off, spending the day with Christopher, relaxing. All day, Buck had wished he had been with his boys, wished that he could have gotten the day off like they originally planned but it was a no go. And normally, normally he wouldn’t have minded but today --

Today all together, sucked, Buck thought to himself as he finished climbing up the stairs to his apartment door, leaning against it tiredly for a few minutes before placing the key inside of it and opening the door.

By the time he’s inside of his home, keys on the table by the door and bag dropped on the ground, Buck too lazy to pick it up and put it in its place properly, a man has stepped forward from the windows, causing Buck to freeze completely and his eyes widen, especially when he realizes just  _ who _ is in his home.

“What are you doing here? How did you get inside?” Buck asks, voice careful as he steps to the side, thankful that he not only hasn’t removed his phone from his pocket, but has 9-1-1 on his favorites list so he doesn’t have to unlock the phone, find the app, and dial the number while seeming normal.

“Oh, it was easy to lock pick your front door,” The man says and Buck can’t help but stare at his door before staring at the man in front of him, a scowl on his face as he wonders what the hell is going on.

“And what do you want?” Buck asks the lawyer, folding his arms in front of him, hating the fact that he ever let this lawyer into his life, filling his heads with words he didn’t deserve to know about. He can feel his phone in his pocket, can feel the vibrations of someone on the other end of the line, and he hopes to god it’s Maddie who answered the call, hopes that she can deduct what’s going on and can get an officer out to his place as soon as possible.

“Well, payback, for one,” The other man says with a sick grin, and Buck can’t help but feel uncomfortable, wants to take a step backwards and exit his home, his home that doesn’t really feel like a home any longer.

“You see, Buckley, you lost me a large payout by denying the opportunity to take the money awarded to you,” the man says and Buck can’t help but bite the inside of his cheek, remembering how wide his eyes had gone when he had seen the payout - how he had hesitated in saying no to it, in just wanting everything done and over with.

It wasn’t -- he hadn’t known what to do with all of that money - he had enough money as it was, thanks to his inheritance, but having even more money on top of that wasn’t something that Buck wanted to think about. So he had told everyone involved that he didn’t want the money - had requested it go to charity, or towards something that could help out the state, he didn’t know - he just knew he didn’t want it, didn’t need it, and turned it down on the spot.

If he had known that the lawyer who he had gone with was going to go insane and break into his home, Buck might’ve taken some form of payout but well --

Hindsight is twenty twenty, and all of that, he supposed.

“So what, you broke in here because I didn’t take the payout and just decided to go back to work?” He asks, feeling confused and annoyed because all he really wanted was to go to bed, relax a bit, but he couldn’t thanks to this asshole.

“That’s partially it - see, I know you Buckley. Thanks to everything you told me, I know what makes you tick, what makes you insecure - I know  _ all _ of your secrets,” the man says, stepping closer with a smirk that has Buck’s heart rising inside of his chest, the urge to step back higher than ever before..

“You don’t know--” Buck begins before snapping his jaw shut when the man glares and hisses at him.

“No, I know everything about you. I know your dirty secrets - the things you don’t want your  _ family _ to know about you,” The lawyer says, and Buck really wishes he remembered the asshole’s name, but all he can do is glare before he continues.

“So if you want to keep your secrets hidden, Buckley, you’re going to do what I tell you, or  _ else _ ,” he says, and Buck can’t help but scowl, arms folding in front of his chest as he tries to figure out what to do or say. Before he can even open his mouth to say anything, he jumps at the sound of his door opening once more, a frown on his face before the lawyer steps forward and knocks the wind out of him, a groan escaping from him.

Buck knows it’s Eddie opening his door, knows that Chris is probably with him, and he doesn’t want either of them to get hurt, so he does his best to let out a shout - it sounds gargled, but there’s too many things happening all at once - Chris and Eddie at the door, the lawyer trying to get away, Athena showing up with a scowl and Buck truly doesn’t know what’s going on - not until he remembers that he had dialed dispatch, had left his phone on, and there was something in him that relaxed at the sight of Athena, and Eddie, and Chris, especially as his boys ran to him and helped him up from the ground.

“Are you alright?” Buck hears and he turns towards Eddie, nods his head before sucking back a small breath and then nudging his friend and smiling softly.

“I will be - once I change my locks, maybe move out,” Buck admits with a shrug of his shoulders. He hears Christopher snort, finds himself turning towards him with a grin, moving his fingers to tickle the other man, smiling as Chris laughs.

“Plan on staying the night?” Buck can’t help but ask, looking up at Eddie briefly, waiting for an answer before he smiles when Eddie grins at him.

“Of course,” Eddie says back, something in Buck easing up at the words before he continues to joke around with Chris before telling Athena what happened, relaxing completely once she’s gone, and it’s just his boys with him, making everything feel -- better.


	18. dealing with it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Yeah, but Buck - you never really dealt with it, did you?” Eddie asks, and Buck can’t help but look towards Eddie with a small frown. “I mean, you did everything you could to come back to us, to get healthy again, but you never talked through it with someone - surely not with me. You never talked to anyone about getting pinned, being near a bomb, nearly losing your leg, or even waking up practically alone."_
> 
> \----
> 
> Day 18 of Whumptober, panic attacks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's not actually a full blown panic attack in this - it mainly takes place post panic attack, with the affects still there, slightly, but keep yourself safe.

He didn’t think that the call would end like this, Buck thinks as he sits on the ground. The worker is being pushed into the ambulance, Hen and Chim looking at the guy carefully while trying their best to look at him out of the corner of their eyes, and it bugs Buck, but he ignores them the best he can, doing his best to take a deep breaths as his hands hold his head, elbows perched on top of his bent knees. As he tries to run his hands through his hair, his fingers shake and he can’t help the small whimper that escapes from him as he realizes that’s what happened. He takes another deep breath, bites his lower lip and then jolts forward when Eddie sits down next to him, his hand resting on his thigh.

Buck’s still not used to the touch he thinks, even as he leans into Eddie’s side, needing the comfort of his boyfriend that only his boyfriend can provide. It’s still completely new, completely fresh, still feels like Buck can fuck up at any time, and that thought makes him panic even more than before but Eddie squeezes his thigh and he calms just slightly, a small groan escaping from him as he does so.

“Are you alright?” Buck hears Eddie ask and Buck can’t help but let out a small sigh, wishing he could just curl in on Eddie and black everything out. He knows he surprised everyone with what happened, but ---

He didn’t think seeing someone with their leg crushed would do that to him. Didn’t think he would panic, remembering what it felt like to be pinned, or the thought that he wouldn’t make it past the night. Even now, his chest hurts at the memory, and he can’t help but rub at the spot where he knows his heart would be, tries to take a deep breath, tries to just  _ calm _ down.

“No.” Buck admits after a few minutes, leaning even more into Eddie’s side, frowning when Eddie removes his hand from Buck’s thigh before smiling softly when it wraps around his waist instead, bringing in him closer. He can see Hen and Chim nudge one another, and he only arches his eyebrow at them before turning towards Eddie and sighing softly, closing his eyes.

“I didn’t think it would affect me. It’s been  _ months _ , and I’ve gone through worse things since then,” Buck admits, voice soft, and his heart feels heavy but light when Eddie hums in response. He wants to keep shifting towards Eddie, wants to burrow himself inside of Eddie’s arms, but they’re still on the job, and he knows that’ll never be professional. 

“Yeah, but Buck - you never really dealt with it, did you?” Eddie asks, and Buck can’t help but look towards Eddie with a small frown. “I mean, you did everything you could to come back to us, to get healthy again, but you never talked through it with someone - surely not with me. You never talked to anyone about getting pinned, being near a bomb, nearly losing your leg, or even waking up practically alone. And I’m sorry that happened - I wish you could’ve felt comfortable talking to me but -- “ Eddie pauses here and Buck can’t help but stare at his boyfriend in surprise, realizing that Eddie is right about all of that. Buck doesn’t know what to do with that knowledge though, and he bites the inside of his cheek as he leans back slightly before nodding his head after a few moments.

“I uh - I never wanted to,” Buck admits with a soft sigh, shrugging his shoulders watching as Eddie frowns, remembers the conversation they had a while back about why Buck’s not a fan of therapy. When Eddie nudges Buck, Buck can only let out a small smile, nudge him back and then slowly begin to stand up, holding his hand out to bring Eddie up too, once Bobby makes his way out of the warehouse, watching them curiously before heading towards the truck.

Buck ends up looking away after a few moments, looking towards Eddie, face neutral as he tries to figure out what to say next. He never thought he would have a panic attack - remembers running out of the warehouse with Eddie following him in confusion, remembers not being able to breathe and collapsing on the ground, Eddie sitting behind him and helping him remember how to breathe -- Eddie, always there for him, even after everything.

“Thank you,” Buck ends up whispering, nudging Eddie with a smile on his face, shoving his hands into the pockets of his uniformed pants and looking down at his feet. He can hear Eddie snort before his fingers are on his chin, lifting his head up, seeing Eddie smiling in front of him before he leans forward and kisses him lightly, quickly stepping away before Bobby can yell at them.

“Always, Buck. See you in the truck,” Eddie responds back before heading away, Buck watching him with red cheeks and a grin on his face, shaking his head briefly before letting out a soft sigh and following his boyfriend, always.


	19. guilt will crush you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Don’t you dare ever say that again, Buck,” Eddie whispers, pulling Buck’s head away from his shoulder with narrowed eyes and a frown. Buck wants to look away in shame and guilt, wants to run away, but he can’t, not with the way Eddie is staring at him, like he’s looking into his soul. He opens and closes his mouth, tries to find the words that could get him out of this mess._
> 
> \----
> 
> Day 19 of Whumptober, survivor's guilt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a fair amount of imagery in this chapter in regards to the tsunami and finding bodies, so keep yourself safe ♥

All he could see was bodies - bodies floating, bodies up and bodies down. He walked up and down the aisles, and all he could see was his failure in saving everyone he could save. He had tried, he thinks. He had tried so damn hard. All Buck had done was swam and searched and helped, and he failed. He had lost so many people, and it’s not like he even knew any of them.

But he had tried, Buck thinks, as he walked up and down the aisles, looking at all of the bodies that he couldn’t save, though now they were on the ground instead of floating or sinking, unable to be found. All he wants to do is sink to the ground and curl up into a ball, especially now that Eddie and Chris have been reunited but -- he had to see for himself, Buck thinks, just how much he failed today.

Because he  _ had _ failed, Buck thinks to himself, tilting his head back as he finds himself moving to the nearest wall, relaxing against it while not letting himself fall to the ground. Closing his eyes, all Buck can see is the bodies - it’s what he was going to see for the rest of his life, he figured. It’s not like he didn’t see the ghosts of all those he couldn’t save while on the job, Buck thinks - but now, he’s going to have even more ghosts and there’s just too many bodies, Buck thinks with a small shake of his head, frowning as he does his best not to cry.

“Buck,” he hears and he has to blink his eyes open, wipe his face because he  _ has _ been crying. He had been crying, and he knows that Eddie hates seeing emotion, knows it’s not how he was raised but before he can even wipe his eyes, Eddie is in front of him, wiping his cheek and then holding his face in his hands. 

“Where’s Chris?” Buck can’t help but ask, eyes looking for the superhero, trying to avoid the way Eddie is looking at him, and the feelings it brings up. Because it’s bringing up so many feelings, and Buck just cannot handle them right now, not when he feels like a complete failure lately, in every aspect of his damn life.

“He’s with Hen and Chim right now, resting. I wanted to come and check on you,” Eddie says and Buck can’t help but look at Eddie at those words before looking away with a frown, not sure how he could possibly have someone wanting to check on him after everything that’s happened. Buck shakes his head, almost takes a step back before remembering he’s leaning against a wall, his body shivering as the cold air rushes by him and his wet skin.

“We need to get you inside, man,” Eddie says and Buck looks at him, biting the inside of his cheek before carefully placing his forehead on Eddie’s shoulder and breathing in. He nods briefly, his fingers clutching at thin air as Eddie runs his fingers through Buck’s hair, making a noise at the back of his throat.

“I shouldn’t have made it--” Buck whispers and he can hear Eddie make another noise in the back of his throat, can feel Eddie’s fingers tighten in his hair and he almost lets out a moan and arches into the touch before remembering that this is  _ Eddie _ , his very straight best friend. 

“Don’t you dare ever say that again, Buck,” Eddie whispers, pulling Buck’s head away from his shoulder with narrowed eyes and a frown. Buck wants to look away in shame and guilt, wants to run away, but he can’t, not with the way Eddie is staring at him, like he’s looking into his soul. He opens and closes his mouth, tries to find the words that could get him out of this mess.

“Seriously, don’t even think like that, Buck,” Eddie adds, and there’s something in his eyes that has Buck pausing completely, freezing, inside and out. He even snaps his mouth shut, takes a deep breath and waits because he doesn’t know what else to do in the moment.

“You saved Chris. You did everything you could to bring my little boy back to me. Not only that, but you - you saved me, man. You’re my best friend. You mean -- almost as much to me as Chris means to me. So don’t you  _ dare _ say something like that ever again. Because without you in our lives -- we wouldn’t make it, Buck.” Eddie says, his voice becoming more and more quiet, but so sure of himself that Buck doesn’t understand -- he doesn’t --

“Why?” Buck asks, narrowing his own eyes as he tries to understand where his best friend is coming from, why his best friend would even begin to think --

“I lost him, Eddie. I might’ve saved him, but it took losing him first, and I lost  _ everyone _ , and --” Buck shakes his head here, wanting to step back but unable to, Eddie still holding on to him. “Everyone always leaves, and I failed those people. It should’ve been ---”

“Don’t you  _ dare _ ,” Eddie interrupts with a snap and Buck blinks, surprised and startled, heart pounding inside of his chest.

“I already told you why you shouldn’t, Buck, but trust me,” Eddie begins, his eyes nearly into slits as he steps even closer, which seems impossible, “No one believes you should’ve died tonight. No one believes that you didn’t try your damn hardest to save everyone. And those people who didn’t make it? They wouldn’t have blamed you for one second,” Eddie finishes and Buck can’t help the small sob that he let’s free, shaking his head, not quite sure to believe Eddie.

“So don’t you dare let yourself believe that it should be your body floating somewhere, or that it’s your body in one of these bags. What do you think that would do to Maddie? To Chris? To  _ me _ ?” Buck opens and closes his mouth, taking a small gulp of air, swaying on the spot as he looks at Eddie before nodding his head slowly, carefully.

“Help me remember that?” Buck asks, smiling softly when Eddie nods and steps towards his side, his hand going to Buck’s and interlacing their fingers. “C’mon. We need to get you looked at, and then get you home,” Eddie says and Buck nods, taking a deep breath and doing his best to avoid the bodies in his peripheral, focusing on Eddie and Eddie alone.


	20. just because we're losing ( doesn't mean we're lost )

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“How about a piggyback, give you a break from walking, yeah?” Buck suggests, smiling when Chris nods before he looks around the park with another frown and turns around, stepping back towards the way he came._
> 
> \----
> 
> Day 20 of Whumptober, lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is like zero whump in this. I'm sorry. I had lost a fair amount of muse by the time this chapter was getting written. It's also the shortest chapter for this series that I've written, aha. I hope you enjoy it nonetheless, though.

“Bucky, where are we?” Chris asks from Buck’s side, and Buck can’t help but look down at the little man with a small smile, squeezing Chris’ hand inside of his own before letting out a small, soft sigh. They’re at the zoo - a day trip, just the two of them. Eddie was supposed to be with them, but he had gotten called into work Chris had been disappointed, looking forward to going to the zoo with the three of them for a couple of weeks now, and Buck -- Buck hadn’t wanted to see Chris disappointed and had offered to take Chris to the zoo himself.

He had been a little nervous - the last time he had taken Chris out somewhere, there had been a tsunami, but -- he had felt ready to take Chris out. It was the zoo, after all. It’s not like there were a lot of things that could happen that could go wrong at the zoo, right? And Buck hates himself for thinking that, because well -- 

Despite his thoughts though, there hadn’t been any issues - all day, things had gone extremely well. They’d visited all of the animals, had lunch, seen a show, visited even more animals and then decided to go to one end of the park to visit a new-to-the-zoo animal, something that had Chris jumping up and down in excitement. So the two of them had started to make their way to the exhibit, Buck playing i-Spy with Chris, handing him snacks, not really realizing just what was going on.

And what was going on was that they had started making their way to the new exhibit an hour ago, and they were nowhere near the exhibit, and there weren’t a lot of people walking near them, either. Buck felt like an idiot, felt like he should’ve been paying more attention to what was going on, especially when he realized that the area they were currently in was barren, no gates, no signs, no actual zoo-like feature surrounding them. He had messed up, and Buck hated that. He hated it so much, but he knew he couldn’t focus on the fact that he had gotten them lost, so he couldn’t help but look at the map once more, biting his lower lip and frowning before looking up and around, shaking his head.

“Well, we’re in the park, bud. I just… i don't know if the exhibit is actually here yet.” Buck admits while Chris frowns. Buck can see his entire body slump, and he frowns even harder before moving to pick Chris up, causing the kid to laugh. He’s thankful for that, at least - thankful that Chris doesn’t resent him for not realizing how much pain Chris had been while they were walking. He knows Chris would’ve asked for help eventually, but Buck -- Buck really should’ve realized sooner, he knows, and he’ll hold that against himself for the rest of his time.

“How about a piggyback, give you a break from walking, yeah?” Buck suggests, smiling when Chris nods before he looks around the park with another frown and turns around, stepping back towards the way he came. He doesn’t know how long he’s walking, but eventually he finds himself getting into a crowd again, and something lessens inside of his chest, knowing he hasn’t messed up completely.

Chris, with his arms around his neck, is taking in the sights, giggling every few minutes, and Buck can’t help but smile at the sight he’s sure Chris is producing. Everytime he comes across a family, he can’t help but feel slight pride when they look at him and Chris, though he wishes that Eddie was here to complete the little family they have. He shakes his head from the thoughts, looks at Chris out of the corner of his eye and smiles when he sees Chris relaxing against his back.

Eventually, Buck realizes that he’s surrounded by more and more people, and he feels himself relaxing completely. Looking up at Chris, he finds his smile softening even more upon the realization that Chris has fallen asleep against his back. Shifting slightly, Buck takes his phone out of his pocket, snapping a quick selfie and sending it to Eddie before slowly heading towards the exit of the zoo, a tired sigh escaping from him. He hadn’t planned on getting lost today, especially with Chris by his side, but if all that happened was that -- Buck sure as hell didn’t mind.


	21. used to it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Afterwards, when he’s shampooed, conditioned, dried off and dressed, Buck lets out a huff of breath before he makes his way back downstairs, feeling thankful that Eddie had packed his bag for him - that Eddie was there for him in the first place._
> 
> \----
> 
> Day 21 of Whumptober, chronic pain.

Waking up that morning, Buck blinked slowly as he listened to the blaring sound of his alarm clock. He could feel Eddie’s arm around his waist, could feel the comforter he slept with underneath, and could even feel the sheets he was on top of, causing a frown to appear on his face. Shifting a little in the bed, Buck clenched his teeth together, taking a soft but deep breath as did so, eyes fluttering shut as pain coursed up through his leg, his knee, his thigh - it felt like it was coming from every nerve ending, throbbing, and Buck knew -- he knew today was going to be a bad day.

Shifting a little bit more, Buck found himself turning into Eddie’s body heat, letting out a slow breath as he tried to adjust his leg to the point that it wasn’t completely throbbing. He could feel Eddie move in time with him, still sleeping and just trying to get comfortable, but Buck found that he couldn’t find a spot to get comfortable, no matter how much he moved around. Letting out a soft, frustrated sigh, Buck shifted once more, removing his one hand from under Eddie’s body and rubbing his face with it. He knew he wasn’t going to be able to fall back asleep, knew even as he did his best to stretch his leg through the pain, his teeth clenched and eyes closed, breaths coming out lightly as he decided this wasn’t going to work.

Carefully, Buck begins to sit up in the bed, doing his best to not move his leg as he does so, all while doing his best to not jostle Eddie, either - Eddie, who is a light sleeper when it comes to Buck leaving the bed. Eddie, who likes to have someone to hold onto, and will grumble and moan and whine if he doesn’t, until he wakes up. Buck always found it adorable, but right now, he can’t help but grumble, feeling more annoyed than ever.

Eventually, Buck manages to sit up completely in bed, his leg straight, and then he sucks back a breath and swings his leg over so that his foot is on the ground, and his knee is bent. He tests it for a few moments, even though logically, he knows he’ll be able to walk and stand on it just fine. It’s just something he worries about, especially when he wakes up in pain like he has today.

Taking another breath, Buck quickly stands up, testing the weight his leg can handle before slowly heading towards the bathroom and doing his routine, opening the mirror shelves he has and looking for some pain killers before letting out a frustrated breath when he doesn’t find any.

It’s not too bad, he thinks briefly, as he continues on his way through his routine, hobbling slightly before putting more and more weight on it, trying to get adjusted to the pain he feels coursing up his shin, to his knee, even through to his thigh. He hates it, grimaces every few minutes but continues on his way as he heads towards the kitchen, smiling a little when he sees some of the items Chris left before they drove him to his Abuela’s the day before. He has to get ready for work - hates Eddie briefly because the man gets to sleep in and not work today, but he focuses on making himself a quick breakfast instead, doing his best to forget the pain he’s in, and succeeding mostly until he sits down and has nothing to focus on  _ but _ the pain, and then he’s shifting on the cushion in his couch once again, grimacing even more and clenching his fingers into fists at his thighs.

Eventually the pain disperses enough that Buck finds himself taking a deep breath and then grabbing his plate, eating his breakfast with the television playing in the background, not really paying attention to anything until Eddie makes his way out of the room, arms wrapping around Buck’s neck as he kisses Buck’s cheek in hello before stealing a piece of bacon. Buck can’t be annoyed at Eddie for stealing a piece of bacon, especially knowing that Eddie is never hungry enough at breakfast for a full plate, and Buck always grabs too much food for breakfast to eat in the first round.

“How long have you been awake?” Eddie asks after a few minutes of silence and Buck hums, doesn’t tell Eddie he’s been awake since three in the morning, tossing and turning in the bed thanks to the pain he was going through today. Doesn’t want anyone to think he’s weak, sure, but more importantly, is so used to the pain that it’s not a big deal anymore to tell Eddie.

“About an hour,” Buck responds after a moment, shoving a few pieces of bacon into his mouth with a closed smile, watching as Eddie watches him carefully before he nods his head and hums in response. Buck feels slightly confused but goes back to trying to focus on the television as Eddie goes to sit next to him, continuing to pick at the food on his plate. Buck isn’t surprised to find himself relaxing into Eddie’s side, feeling more tired now that Eddie is there in the first place, even when Eddie pokes him to try and get him more awake.

“What time do you have to leave for your shift?” Eddie asks and Buck groans, sitting up more properly and holding back a grimace at the pain that shoots through him, looking at the clock on top of the television for a minute before relaxing against the couch.

“Not for another couple of hours,” Buck responds back, placing his leg on the couch cushion that’s available, ignoring the way Eddie arches an eyebrow at him but remains silent. The two of them continue to eat off of Buck’s plate and watch the television, laughing a few times throughout the shows they watch, Buck’s mind taken off the pain he had been feeling. It isn’t until he sits up, the time for him to shower getting close that he remembers, his leg stiff, though he manages to rub it a few times before he feels comfortable enough to walk up and place his plate in the kitchen, scrub it, and put it away before he heads back to the couch, walking towards Eddie and then kissing the top of his head.

“Going to go hop in the shower now,” Buck whispers, tugging on the back strands of Eddie’s hair with a smile as Eddie hums in response, looking up at him, head tilted upwards.

“Do you want me to shower with you for some support?” Eddie asks and Buck feels something settle into him at the question, a small smile forming on his face as he shakes his head with a hum. He’s not surprised, of course, that Eddie noticed just how much pain he’d been in, even if he had tried to hide it, not because he was ashamed, not because he didn’t want help, but because he was so used to it.

He was always in pain, he thinks, and today -- today was just a day where it was more pain than normal, and it took him slightly longer to adjust to that. And Eddie - god bless his boyfriend, because Eddie had seen that, and had waited patiently, hadn’t bothered Buck continuously about it. It made Buck fall more and more in love with Eddie.

“No, I’m alright,” Buck ends up saying, leaning forward to kiss Eddie once more, bending his knee slightly despite the pain coursing through it, grinning when Eddie deepens the kiss just a bit. He pulls away though, kissing the top of Eddie’s forehead as he does so with a small smirk and a shake of his head before heading upstairs and into the shower, ignoring how long it takes for him to go up the stairs, and how hesitant he is to enter the shower, thanks to the little lip in the ground.

Afterwards, when he’s shampooed, conditioned, dried off and dressed, Buck lets out a huff of breath before he makes his way back downstairs, feeling thankful that Eddie had packed his bag for him - that Eddie was there for him in the first place.

“I might bring Chris over during your dinner break,” Eddie whispers when Buck goes to kiss him goodbye, and Buck smiles before he hums in response, his hands going around to hold Eddie’s waist even as he pulls away.

“That’s certainly not something I’ll be complaining about,” Buck responds back, pouting playfully when Eddie unwraps Buck’s arms from his waist, patting Buck’s hands as he lets them hang loose.

“Alright, I’ll see you later, then,” Eddie says and Buck waves goodbye before heading towards his jeep, carefully getting into the car, and starting it, heading towards the station with a small sigh, his knee twinging once more as he puts pressure down onto it. 

Time passes as he drives to the station, Buck singing along to the radio with a small grin as he does so, dancing in his seat when particularly good songs come on. By the time he makes it to his work, Buck has found himself in a much better mood than when he woke up, even to the point of that when he jumps out of his jeep, he barely recognizes the pain that courses through his knee.

Entering the station, Buck grins at Hen, high-fiving Allison, who's just leaving, before making his way to the locker room, a jig in his step, though his knee hurts a little more when he does so.

“You look to be in a good mood,” Hen comments and Buck can only hum in response, turning when Chim makes his way through the locker room too, though he looks a little more tired.

“I take it Kayla has kept you and Maddie up all night?” Buck asks with a small chuckle, grinning when Chim nods his head. He can’t help but feel pride over his niece, but he shakes off the grin when Hen looks at him with an arched eyebrow. So what if he’s in a good mood, he thinks with an internal shrug of his shoulders. He might be in pain, might have the pain in the back of his mind constantly but well -- who is Hen to judge, with her all knowing looks, Buck thinks with a small smirk.

The day passes on like that, not many calls coming in, which Buck is actually thankful for. He stays on the couch or the kitchen, but eventually helps out organizing the inventory, and the truck, and everything else that needs to be organized. He can see Bobby looking at him with some confusion on his face, but he doesn’t say anything, not even when Hen looks at him either.

When they do get a call, an hour or so before Bobby is set to start cooking their weekly family dinner - thank goodness Eddie has plans to join them - his knee flares up once more, though it goes back to his shin and Buck does his best not to limp towards the truck, or towards the fire they need to put out. Part of him wishes Eddie was there with him instead of coming at dinner, because Eddie would know what was on his mind without Buck even saying anything, would know what Buck needed, even for a brief moment.

But he shakes the thought off, and does his best not to focus on how much pain he is in, in the moment, and instead, focuses on the fact that he needs to save a life, or a set of lives, depending on how bad the fire is -- even if he’s missing Eddie, as his partner, too.

When everything is said and done, Buck can’t help but feel the rush of success and excitement course through him - the fire is out, the family is saved and he’s on his way back to the station - back to dinner, which Bobby will need help cooking, thanks to the call they had, and Buck will be the one to help, even if he’d rather sit down after everything he’s done today.

Helping Bobby cook the family dinner tonight is something Buck always looks forward to, even if he’s not looking forward to the meal itself - though this is one meal he is looking forward to - pasta alfredo, his dad’s dish - something he gave to Bobby with hesitance, so he could learn to cook it like his Dad. 

Bobby had accepted, thank god, and Buck had learned - he was sure he could’ve done it on his own but his knee and his leg, and he could barely focus as it was but he did it - his thoughts everywhere, but he did his best to focus, even once Eddie and Chris arrived, Chris running to him as best as he could.

The pain he’d been feeling hadn’t stopped Buck from leaning down to pick Chris up, though he could see the look Eddie had given him, could see the look Maddie gave him too, since she arrived at the same time, kissing his cheek in hello. Buck had ignored the looks though - from both of them, swooping in and around while still holding Chris, biting the inside of his cheek briefly as his pain flared before placing Chris down into the chair between him and Eddie, everyone else arriving at the table too, grabbing their places and sitting down, conversation flowing.

The dinner goes by quickly - Buck’s having fun, bouncing between conversations, ruffling Chris’ hair and tugging on Eddie’s strands with a smirk that he knows he will get retribution for later in the night. He learns new things, is handed the leftover Alfredo with Chris falling asleep in Eddie’s arms by the time the shift is over, Bobby letting Buck leave earlier than he should, but he doesn’t mind. He’s limping a little more than he likes at the end of the night, and he knows Maddie, Athena, Bobby and Hen have all noticed, though he does his best not to get annoyed at that, because he can  _ handle _ it. He’s always handling it.

By the time they get home, Buck goes to grab Chris from the back seat of Eddie’s car but Eddie already has Chris, gives Buck his own version of the look and Buck only lets out a soft sigh before opening the door to Eddie’s, a small smile on his face as he helps put Chris to bed.

He’s slowly becoming exhausted, and in the safety of Eddie’s home -  _ his _ home - Buck lets himself limp completely to the couch before falling onto it, a small sigh escaping from him as Eddie comes from Chris’ room, surprising Buck with a small tub of cream that he must’ve gotten from the bathroom on his way out. The tub is from Canada - where cream like this can be used, cream that has CBD extract and is pricey but oh so worth it, Buck thinks, as he grabs the tub and smiles at Eddie.

He doesn’t get very far though, Eddie grabbing his leg lightly and Buck stretching it on top of him before he rolls up his pants, Eddie opening the cream, applying a fair amount of it onto his fingers before spreading it on Buck’s knee. Buck lets out a hiss the moment the cold cream hits his knee, tensing briefly relaxing as Eddie rubs the cream into him, a small smile on his face as he tilts his head back and closes his eyes.

Eventually his knee is done and Buck can feel Eddie’s fingers on his shin, rubbing in some more cream, a smaller amount since his shin isn’t in nearly as much pain as his knee. Almost asleep, he misses it when Eddie stops completely, closing the small container of cream and staring at him - until Buck opens his eyes and straightens up, exhaustion clear in his features.

“Hi,” he whispers, and he smiles when Eddie smiles at him, hums when Eddie leans forward, interlacing their fingers.

“Are you ready to go to bed?” Eddie asks and Buck nods, both of them performing a very familiar dance so that Eddie can help Buck stand up from the couch before they slowly make their way to the bedroom, Eddie’s arms wrapped around him, guiding him to the bathroom so they can do their routine, and then guiding him once more, so they can go to bed. 

Buck blinks, when he gets to the bed, though he’s not as surprised as he should be, to find pillows spread out in a specific way, an ice pack on one of them. Without a thought, Buck turns and kisses Eddie, grinning lightly as Eddie kisses him back.

“You know you don’t always have to suffer, right?” Eddie whispers once they’re settled in bed, arms wrapped around Buck’s middle as Buck nods cautiously.

“I know. Just not used to it yet, I guess,” Buck responds, smiling when Eddie kisses his neck, eyes slipping shut as Eddie hums.

“Well, you’re going to have to. Because I hate seeing you suffer alone, Buck. Especially when I’m here to help you,” Eddie adds, and Buck turns, careful not to nudge his knee too much, now that the pain has settled down.

“You’ll just have to remind me from time to time, is all,” Buck whispers, Eddie nodding as he moves around himself before settling down.

“I’ll do that, for the rest of our lives,” he admits and Buck can’t find himself to hate those words, his smile turning into a grin before he hums and closes his eyes for good, feeling relaxed and at home and  _ safe _ , with Eddie’s arms around him and his mind no longer thinking about the pain he’s felt all day, or how he’ll feel pain again tomorrow, but of them, together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you guys enjoy this chapter? I'm going to be completely honest here -- this chapter means the entire god damn world to me. I suffer with chronic pain on a daily basis thanks to my own disability, so not only was I absolutely happy to see Chronic Pain as a prompt - because it's a real thing, and it affects everyone, and not a lot of people will accept that - but to be able to write this - through the eyes of my favorite damn character, that means a lot to me, too. Everything that Buck suffers in this chapter, is something pulled from my own experiences, even including the CBD cream, which, you can look at buying [here](https://happybears.ca/products/body-and-muscle-cream), once it's available. (It's also not my product, but I use it, and I swear by it, as someone with chronic pain). The thoughts, the urge to not let anyone know about the pain, the continuing on with one's day despite the pain - I go through that on a daily basis, so writing it out was very cathartic to me. I'm proud of this chapter, thought of including it as it's own story, since it's the longest chapter in this series, to be honest, so I hope, if there's one chapter you comment on, even if you don't comment on any of my stories, it's this one. Thanks for reading ♥


	22. what a big sister does

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Parking in Eddie’s driveway, a weird statement, Maddie thinks to herself with a small shake of her head..._
> 
> \----
> 
> Day 22 of Whumptober, Poisoned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. Something a little different for me, but not quite, aha.

“Anyone know where Buck is?” Maddie asks the room full of firefighters, looking around as everyone frowns in response before shaking their heads, arching one of her eyebrows at Eddie when he freezes slightly before doing the same. If there’s one thing Maddie Buckley isn’t, it’s an idiot, and add in the fact that her baby brother tells her  _ everything _ , including who he’s in a relationship with. So she knows that the reason Eddie freezes is because he knows where her brother is, so when everyone goes back to what they were doing, Maddie makes her way over to Eddie and sits down in front of him, crossing her arms across her chest and waiting.

When Eddie remains silent for a few minutes longer, Maddie can only let out a frustrated sigh. All she wants is to see her brother. “Is he at your place?” She asks, and she waits, because it’s not like Buck was at his place - she had checked, on her way here, and his place had been empty and gathering dust, which was something very interesting, something Maddie wanted to pick Buck’s brain about.

“Eddie, I already know you two are dating. Buck told me. Just let me know if my brother is at your place so I can visit him?” Maddie practically begs, looking at Eddie with infamous Buckley eyes - wide and shiny, and she knows she has him, knows he’s being reminded of Buck in the moment. She watches as he takes a breath and then lets out a sigh, looking away from her and biting his lip, before looking back at her. It’s such a classic Buck move that she almost wants to giggle, but she just waits for Eddie to answer her instead.

“Yeah, he’s at my place. He’s not doing so hot though. We had dinner last night and then he got food poisoning,” Eddie admits and Maddie finds herself nodding, finally understanding the text she had received from him an hour or so earlier.

“Well then, that explains the text. Do you mind if I--”

“No, absolutely go on over and visit,” Eddie responds with a smile and Maddie nods, standing up quickly and waving goodbye to everyone one final time before heading towards her car and then Eddie’s, hoping she can help Buck relatively soon.

* * *

Parking in Eddie’s driveway, a weird statement, Maddie thinks to herself with a small shake of her head, Maddie finds herself not surprised at all to see her brother’s jeep in the driveway, on one side, leaving a perfect space for a second car, like Buck knows exactly where Eddie is meant to be parked.

It shows just how much Buck and Eddie are to one another, and Maddie can’t help but smile, a surge of happiness coursing through her - Buck had been through so much, had been dealt so much and knowing that he had found love and happiness with his best friend - knowing he had a family, Maddie as happy for him.

Knocking on the door before opening it, Maddie looked around, her lips quirking when she noticed all of the Buck-related things she could find in Eddie’s home. Her baby brother had a home for himself, something vastly different from the dusty apartment she went by earlier, that her heart swelled with happiness before she frowned after hearing the sounds of vomiting coming from one of the halls.

Making her way carefully through, she frowns even harder when she eventually finds Buck, on the ground, holding onto the toilet with vomit on his face. She feels bad - so bad, because she knows Buck hates being sick - always has, ever since they were kids. Kneeling down, Maddie rubs Buck’s back, humming softly when he opens his eyes and looks at her, a frown on his face before he lets out a small groan.

“Eddie says you have food poisoning?” Maddie whispers, moving so that she’s no longer kneeling but sitting next to Buck instead, her arms still wrapped around him as Buck nods softly.

“We had sushi last night. It was good, but I’m pretty sure my plate was expired or something,” Buck whispers and Maddie frowns, shaking her head before standing up, ignoring the pout on her brother’s face as she walks towards the kitchen, fills a cup of water up and then heads back, handing it to Buck when she sits back down.

“Did you have something different from what Eddie had?” Maddie asks as Buck ends up heaving into the toilet once more, continuing to frown as he places the water down on the ground with a groan. 

Maddie can’t help but feel for her brother, and when the minutes go by without any movement from him, she nods her head, standing up and yanking him up with her, though it takes her a few tries to get him with the program, to get him pushing himself up. 

“Does Eddie have a bucket somewhere?” She asks, pushing Buck down onto the couch with the water before placing her hands on her hips. 

“Under the kitchen sink,” Buck groans and Maddie slowly makes her way through the living room and into the kitchen, bending carefully under the sink, moving things around before finding the bucket with a triumphant smile. It’s not as big as she would’ve liked, not as big as the ones her family had when she and Buck grew up but it’ll do for now, and Maddie makes a tick in her mind to remember to buy a bigger bucket for Eddie, just in case there’s more than one person who gets sick like this in the future.

When Maddie is finally by Buck’s side, he’s curled up on the couch, legs folded and bent even though he’s lying down. He’s grabbed the blanket that was on the back of the couch and wrapped it around himself, and Maddie can’t help but find the sight adorable, a small smile forming on her face. Placing the bucket down by Buck’s head, she runs her fingers through his hair, ignoring how soaked it is with sweat.

“Do you want me to stay or do you want me to leave?” Maddie ends up asking, knowing that that’s the most important question she can ask her brother right now, knowing that his answer will help tell Maddie what state her brother is in. She can barely hear his response, but when he holds his hand out from the blanket, she sits down next to him, grabbing his hand and squeezing, happy to spend time with Buck, even if he is sick right now, because that’s what she does for him.


	23. not enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“You and Christopher have been perfect. It’s me who's been rude and terrible,” Buck replies_
> 
> \----
> 
> Day 23 of Whumptober, Sleep Deprivation.

Laying in the bed, he could feel Eddie moving, getting up for the day, and his eyes hurt at the strain of having kept them open for the past few hours. He had tried, honestly, he had tried to fall asleep, but his mind wouldn’t shut off, and he felt too much energy coursing through him that he just couldn’t fall asleep. It had been the third night like this, and Buck -- he felt like he couldn’t handle it any longer, felt like if he didn’t fall asleep soon, he was going to go mad. He could tell Eddie had looked over at him with a frown, but he hadn’t done anything other than look back, exhaustion clear in his eyes.

Buck didn’t know how much time had passed, but when Eddie had come back into the room, he had, at the very least, been sitting up in the bed and not still laying down inside of it. Eddie is looking at him like he’s unsure, and maybe Eddie is - Buck doesn’t know, though he’s apologetic for how he’s treated the other man in the past few days.

“Are you alright?” Buck hears and he looks back towards Eddie, lets out a soft breath before shaking his head and rubbing his face.

“I’m sorry for earlier,” Buck whispers and he sees Eddie smile at him, ignores the way his heart flutters when Eddie gets back into the bed, climbing over him to sit on top of him, legs spread over his own. It’s a position Buck usually equates to sex, but this time, he doesn’t, even as he places his hands on Eddie’s hips to make sure he doesn’t lose his balance.

“It’s okay. I know what it’s like to be running on fumes, and I know -- I know it’s not easy with a kid, added,” Eddie whispers and Buck finds himself frowning, shaking his head briefly before letting out a small yawn.

“You and Christopher have been perfect. It’s me who's been rude and terrible,” Buck replies after a moment and Buck smiles at Eddie after noticing Eddie relax, like he had been worried about it, even though he knew he shouldn’t have been.

“You haven’t been too terrible. Just cranky--” Eddie begins but Buck can’t stop himself from interrupting him, rolling his eyes a little.

“And rude. I’m pretty sure I yelled at you quite a few times. Almost yelled at Chris, too,” Buck whispers, guilt surging through him as Eddie smiles.

“He understands, you know. Probably more than you know,” Eddie adds and Buck can’t help but look at his boyfriend in confusion before letting out another sigh and shrugging his shoulders. 

“Your son is an amazing kid, Eds,” Buck whispers, smiling as Eddie leans down and kisses him lightly, clearly agreeing with him.

“And you’re an amazing second dad to him. So stop worrying - he doesn’t blame you, he’s not mad at you, and he gets it.” Eddie whispers and Buck nods, briefly, before closing his eyes and letting out another yawn.

“Do you know why you’re unable to sleep?” Eddie asks and Buck shakes his head, opening his eyes, wondering why he’s unable to sleep, himself.

“I hate it, though,” Buck whispers. “I feel like no matter how hard I try, my mind just won’t shut up,” Buck adds, letting out a frustrated breath before shrugging his shoulders, watching as Eddie looks at him briefly before nodding and then pulling away. Buck can’t help but frown momentarily before he shifts, letting out another yawn.

“What do you have there?” Buck asks when Eddie comes back with a small notebook in his hands. Buck can’t stop himself from frowning even more when he sees Eddie wringing the notebook in his hands before blowing out a huff of breath.

“I’ve been tracking all your sleep, alongside the mood swings for when you don’t sleep, and what preceded them. How long they lasted, the results, etc.,” Eddie ends up saying and Buck can’t stop himself from leaning forward and placing his head on Eddie’s shoulder when the man gets comfortable next to him, a surge of emotion coursing through him as he does so.

“You’re kind of perfect,” Buck whispers, ignoring the snort that Eddie lets out, grabbing the book gently and going over what he’s noticed, Eddie by his side, like always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another story with not a lot of whump, and I apologize for that. Hopefully, the next chapter makes up for it, since it has four days worth of prompts in one chapter ;)


	24. hidden out of view

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _And then he hears screams coming from somewhere, and he looks around, his smile turning into a confused frown as the screams get louder and -- Buck realizes there’s an aftershock, and before he can throw his hands over his head to protect himself, he’s falling once more, his feet coming out from under him and everything going black once more._
> 
> \----
> 
> Days 24, 25, 26, and 27 of Whumptober, with the following prompts: _sensory depriviation/blurred vision, ringing ears/migraine, concussion, blindness, earthquake_.

When Buck woke up that morning, he didn’t think anything was going to go wrong. The sun had been shining, he had woken up feeling content and rested, he wasn’t in any pain and, for the first time in a long time, he didn’t have to work that day and was  _ happy _ about it. He had made himself some breakfast, done a quick workout, finished his breakfast and then had gone to his couch and turned on the television, ready to have a relaxing day of doing absolutely nothing. And for the most part, he had been lucky enough to do just what he wanted on his day off - absolutely nothing. It was pure bliss, if Buck thought about it - bliss he hadn’t felt in quite a while, always busy with work and errands.

It wasn’t until he was making himself a quick lunch that everything had started to turn for the worse. At first, Buck hadn’t realized anything had happened - he had thought that the movement of the knife was from him jostling it by accident. Had thought that maybe his wrist had skimmed the top of the knife, or he had had a muscle move spontaneously. But then he had felt it- had felt the ground shaking, had seen everything in his apartment moving - his bike falling, his television shaking, a few of the films he had on display falling - and he  _ knew _ , just knew, what was going on. With wide eyes, Buck looked around, looked for a place he could take cover but before he could even move two steps, everything was crumbling around him. Without a second thought, he managed to grab his phone from his counter, tucking it into the front pocket of his sweater, turning to run towards his couch so there was something he could land on that was  _ soft _ . 

He barely made it before he felt the ground crumble from under him, and saw the ceiling falling from above him, everything going black after a few seconds of Buck’s heart pounding dangerously fast inside of his chest.

* * *

Blinking his eyes open, it takes a few minutes for Buck to realize that he can’t see anything, and that everything surrounding him sounds muted, like he’s trapped in a box. A cough escapes him, and he does his best to look around, see if he can make out any forms or shapes, but everything is pure black, and Buck can feel himself beginning to panic a little at that. He takes a deep breath though, closes his eyes, even though it wouldn’t really matter, and ignores the ringing that has started in his ears due to his panic, and then takes a few more deep breaths before opening his eyes and doing his best to see if he can move anything and how much he can move.

“It’s okay, Buck, you’ve got this,” Buck finds himself whispering - there’s no light coming in from his window - hell, he’s pretty sure he doesn’t have a window - which means the floor he’s on has fallen, and he’s practically crushed, since he vaguely remembers the ceiling above him falling. Making sure to move carefully, Buck does his best to shift his body, listening for any sounds that could mean he’s doing too much, or something else is about to happen.

When he’s lucky enough to be able to sit up normally against the couch, he takes another breath before placing his feet down, breathing once more when he feels the floor underneath him. After a couple of minutes, Buck searches for his phone, praying it’s still in his pocket, a relieved sigh escaping from him when he finds it and pulls it out. He doubts he’ll get a signal, but the least he can do is check, and if he doesn’t get a signal, use the phone’s flashlight so he knows his surroundings before he does anything else. With trembling hands, Buck turns his phone on and, not surprised by the fact that there’s no service, proceeds to turn on the flashlight, squinting his eyes briefly before trying to get adjusted to the light, chewing on the inside of his cheek when he realizes what he’s seeing is slightly distorted and blurry.

Moving his phone around carefully, Buck can’t help but flinch back when he sees how much damage has happened to his apartment - when he realizes he’s going to have to look for a new place to live because of how destroyed everything is.

Blowing out a small breath, Buck carefully begins mapping a way that he could try to escape, eyes trailing over the damage. He’s going to have to be extremely careful, especially since he doesn’t know how long it’s been since the quake originally happened, and if there have been any aftershocks. Checking the weight of the floor he’s on, Buck carefully stands up, nearly falling back down afterward simply due to the fact that his knee is killing him.

Taking another breath, Buck tries to stand up once more, carefully putting his weight on his knee in slow increments before nodding his head after a few minutes and testing the clear spot in front of him to make sure he’s not going to fall through from however high he currently is. He continues to do this as he makes his way around the room, letting out careful breaths with every moment he continues. He’s about to turn -- he doesn’t know which way, but he knows he’s about to turn, when he spots a small white light in the opposite direction and heads towards that instead, feeling something akin to the feeling of relief course through him the closer he gets to it. It takes him a few minutes before he does, but when he does, he realizes he has to bend down just a bit in order to see where the light is coming from - and it ends up being his windows, shattered and broken, but open enough that he can get some air and -- yell out, thankfully.

He can hear sirens, and his entire body relaxes, a small smile forming on his face. He doesn’t know if it’ll be the 118 coming to this call, but either way, there will be first responders, which means he’s slightly more safe than before.

And then he hears screams coming from somewhere, and he looks around, his smile turning into a confused frown as the screams get louder and -- Buck realizes there’s an aftershock, and before he can throw his hands over his head to protect himself, he’s falling once more, his feet coming out from under him and everything going black once more.

* * *

They’re at the station when the first earthquake hits, and Eddie’s first thought is Christopher - Chris is at school again, just like when they experienced their first earthquake in LA, but Eddie’s second thought - is Buck. Because during the first earthquake, Buck had been by Eddie’s side, calming him down, but during this one - during this one, Buck is off, and not around, and Eddie’s first thought was his son but his second thought was his ---

Well, best friend. But Eddie definitely wished and hoped for more, and was sure for more, and was positive that Buck and he were going somewhere, someplace, and soon. He calls Chris’ school, talks to them, thanking the Lord that there’s backup power, and then he calls Buck, immediately, because while the Earthquake didn’t completely affect the fire station, he needs to make sure Buck is alright, but when no one answers, he can’t help but turn the phone off in frustration. Getting onto the truck is nerve wracking, though Eddie hopes that the day goes by fast and that Buck gets back to him eventually - not even thinking that Buck isn’t answering because he can’t.

The first couple of calls are more simple than Eddie would’ve thought for an earthquake, but eventually dispatch calls them to report a twelve story apartment building having collapsed in the second tremor, and Eddie frowns, knowing how dangerous that could end up being. It isn’t until he starts recognizing the blocks though that Eddie begins to pay attention, eyes widening and heart pounding inside of his chest, ignoring the way Hen and Chim turn to look at him in confusion, no doubt because of a sound that he had made by accident.

“What’s the address, Bobby?” Eddie asks, needing to be sure, before he says anything to his coworkers and friends. It isn’t until Bobby repeats the address does Eddie’s heart fall into his stomach, another noise being torn from his throat, Hen and Chim scrunching up their faces at him.

“That’s Buck’s apartment building,” he whispers, not seeing how the others look at one another with wide eyes, the truck speeding up just a little bit after the words are said. His entire body begins to tremble, and he does his best to look out the window as they get closer and closer to the building, a gasp escaping from Eddie when they arrive and all he sees is the building half-sized, Buck’s floor no longer -- no longer there.

“Eddie,” he hears Bobby say, feels Bobby’s hands on his shoulders, holding him back from going in there and doing something risky and stupid. He doesn’t hear anything else Bobby is saying, though he knows it’s probably something he would ignore, if only because he wants to find Buck, wants to make sure his best friend - his…  _ whatever _ , is okay.

That he’s not dead.

* * *

He wakes up gasping, his head pounding something fierce and his ears ringing thanks to the loud noise of the building falling some more the second time around. Everything surrounding him is still dark, though there’s a tiny fissure of light breaking through something, and that gives Buck enough hope that he’ll be able to get out of the hell he’s found himself in. Briefly, he moves his hand around, looks for his phone, but he realizes he must have dropped it at one point, or something had happened to it, and he spares a moment of regret for the photos he hadn’t backed up yet before he lets out a groan and does his best to shift his body a little.

He needs to try and push himself towards the light - he feels like he can’t breath, and he knows that there’s some form of weight on top of him that’s not the building - he needs to get free, he thinks and he tests his legs, feeling a rush of gratitude go through him when he realizes he can bend them, which will help him shift his body without totally using his arms or lifting himself.

It takes him a few minutes to push himself towards the light he sees with just his legs, pain radiating through his entire body, though he’s pretty sure it’s nothing too damaging. Eventually, when he gets to the small light source, he can’t help but feel a little bit of relief when he sees that the second tremor has gotten him closer to the ground, and -- he’s pretty sure he can hear people shouting about rescues, which means the first responders have finally arrived.

After a few minutes of just resting, the wind taken out of him from the moving and the shifting and the weight of it all, Buck lifts his hand, cringing slightly before forming it into a fist and punching a hole in the crack that he had found. He’s careful - as careful as he can be, especially when his knuckles begin to bleed, and the pounding inside of his head gets worse and worse with each loud crack, but he continues on, not noticing, even as the crack turns into a hole and gets bigger and bigger, that the people outside have stopped doing what they were doing and turned to stare at him, surprise clear on their features.

It isn’t until he hears his name being shouted and sees Eddie running towards him that he stops completely punching the wall out, relief coursing through him once more before he lets himself pass out, exhausted and in pain, the pounding in his head at an all time high.

* * *

If there was one thing Eddie and everyone else had not expected, it was to hear a loud banging coming from one end of the buildings. The entire structure had collapsed, all of the floors practically on top of one another, though luckily, the lower floors had managed to evacuate quickly enough that there were no major injuries. A lot of the workers had no hope that there would be any survivors from the upper floors but Eddie had glared at them, had wanted to scream and shout because Buck had been up there, and Buck would have done everything he could to get somewhere safe --

And then the banging started happening, and everyone had been confused, but the moment the banging was found, everything seemed to have been clear and Eddie  _ knew _ it was Buck - knew as sure as he knew how much he loved his family. And then Eddie had seen Buck’s head appear, the hole just shy of being able to fit his head through, and Eddie can’t help but shout for Buck and run for him, relief coursing through him knowing his best friend is alive, though unsure if it’s going to stay that way for long and willing to do anything to make sure it does.

Briefly, he can hear the rest of his team following him, but for Eddie, he doesn’t care - he just has to get to Buck, has to make sure he’s alive, make sure he’s safe, and then get him to the hospital and check him out - and then, if all goes well, admit to how he feels, because today was another close call that he just doesn’t want to think about once again.

And as they carefully break Buck free, and get him into the ambulance, other teams rescuing other people -- Eddie knows everything will be fine, and everything will work out.


	25. having one another's backs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Of course I remember,” Maddie whispers, biting her lower lip with a soft sigh. “What does Dad have to do with what’s going on though?” Maddie asks, leaning forward and grabbing Buck’s hand, squeezing gently._.
> 
> \----
> 
> day 28 of whumptober - accidents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New tags added, make sure to take care if car accidents and drunk driving triggers you. Enjoy the chapter!!

“Do you remember--” Buck begins, turning towards Maddie with a frown, biting the inside of his cheek, unsure, as his older sister turns to look at him with a small frown. Her hands on her stomach, rubbing gently and Buck can’t help but smile at the sight, pride filling him at how great of a mom Maddie will become, especially since she practically raised him.

“Do I remember what, Buck?” Maddie asks after a few more minutes of silence, watching Buck with a continuous frown on her face, though she doesn’t say anything else, knowing Buck needs to have some time before he continues his thoughts, something that takes a long time for people to realize about her brother. She watches as Buck takes a deep breath and then looks away, watches as he bites on his lower lip, a sign that he’s nervous.

“Buck, you know you can tell me, right?” Maddie adds, leaning forward slightly, continuing to rub her stomach as worry courses through her over her brother’s words. She’s always worried about him, always hoping he’s okay, and that nothing’s wrong -- always on her mind, whether it be the forefront of it or the back.

“Do you remember that time when we got into a car accident - shortly before college, you had been visiting, Mom had pissed me off--” Buck begins, slowly trailing off while Maddie nods. It’s not something they like to talk about, because it was the last time either of them had ever talked to their parents, but Maddie remembers the day very well, and the car accident even more. She had walked into their childhood home to hear her Mother screaming insults at Buck, Buck doing his best to make himself smaller and smaller, a feat that Maddie had considered all too easy at the time, due to Buck’s size. And Maddie didn’t want to see Buck like that, didn’t want to see Buck’s confidence take a hit, so she had scowled at her mother and dragged Buck to her car, throwing him the keys, grinning when he looked at her with a smile, his birthmark prominent in the moment as he got into the car with pure excitement.

They hadn’t been driving for very long when they had gotten to a stop light, excitement coursing through Buck as Maddie had done her best to make sure he was comfortable, having fun and regaining his confidence, talking about everything they could possibly talk about. It had been the day Buck had officially come out to her as bisexual, even though it was like a known secret already.

When the light had turned green, Buck had proceeded as normal, and then -- then a car had smashed into Buck’s side, flipping them, the car, the driver, and stopping traffic completely. Maddie had blacked out - so had Buck, apparently, and when they had woken up, they were in the hospital, Maddie’s car completely destroyed.

Maddie and Buck had had only a few minor injuries - Buck needed a cast for his arm, Maddie had to wrap her ribs up - overall, they were fine physically. It wasn’t until they learned who the driver was of the car that hit them that things had changed --

“Of course I remember,” Maddie whispers, biting her lower lip with a soft sigh. “What does Dad have to do with what’s going on though?” Maddie asks, leaning forward and grabbing Buck’s hand, squeezing gently.

Buck had never gotten along with either of their parents - they had only wanted one kid, so Buck had been an unwanted surprise that their parents never knew about until it was too late to do anything. At best, their parents had ignored Buck and at worst, their parents had been verbally abusive.

Their father, though -- their father was a drunk, especially after learning about the numerous affairs their mother had had. He spent most of his time drinking in bars and clubs, trying to flirt with other women to get back at their Mom. Sometimes it worked, but usually it didn’t and their Dad would drive home - recklessly, dangerously -- 

To the point of causing accidents and running from them as soon as he could. And the last accident their Dad had caused --

“Apparently Dad’s been released from jail and causing more accidents to come visit us,” Buck whispers and fear shoots through Maddie as she grabs onto her stomach, looking at her brother with wide eyes while taking a few deep breaths.

“How--” Maddie begins and Buck shakes his head, placing his elbows onto his knees, his hands covering the bottom portion of his face as he does so.

“Mom called - could barely understand her, but--” Buck lets out another sigh as Maddie frowns, pinching the bridge of her nose, not sure what to say.

“How many accidents has he driven away from?” Maddie asks, and Buck looks down at his phone, thumb moving around before he passes it to her and she begins to scroll, cringing as each accident passes by. There’s only three, but that’s three too many, especially since he should’ve been in jail for --

“How did he get released?” Maddie can’t help but ask, watching as Buck shrugs, having no idea. Neither of them know, but they can see the path their Dad is taking and it’s straight to them, and --

“We can’t let him back into our lives, Buck,” Maddie whispers, “I’ve got Helen here to worry about, and you’ve got Chris, we can’t---” Maddie begins and Buck instantly surges forward, his hands going around Maddie’s shoulders as he hugs her, does his best to calm her down. She hates not being able to breath, hates the panic that comes from the fact that her Dad is trying to make his way to LA.

But she knows Buck is there, and he’s going through the same thoughts she is, and she can’t help but soak in the comfort her younger brother provides, something he’s always done for her. They’ll go through this together, even if their Dad makes his way to LA and intrudes on their lives. They have each other, and they have their newfound families. That’s all they need.


	26. not losing each other

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I meant to tell you, Eddie, I swear, I just --” Buck can’t finish his statement when Eddie steps closer towards him, and places his hand on Buck’s neck_
> 
> \----
> 
> Day 29 of Whumptober, Emergency Room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm quite a fan of this chapter, and might re-do it as it's own story at a future date. I hope y'all enjoy it. ♥

Everything was pure chaos, Buck thought as he looked around the emergency room he was currently sitting in, a frown on his face. He thought about, briefly, what it would be like if he had gone through with his original career plan of being a doctor, and couldn’t help but wonder if he would feel as rushed as the doctor’s he spotted in the emergency room currently. His arm had a towel wrapped around it, though Buck couldn’t help but remove it every few minutes to see how much blood he was losing, thanks to the blood thinners.

As he continued to watch the emergency room rush, Buck couldn’t help but wonder what it would’ve been like. How different things would’ve been for him, if he had continued on the pathway he had originally planned with his parents' blessing before he had decided to not go through with it at all. He was waiting for a doctor - or a nurse, he wasn’t quite sure - hell, maybe even an intern or attending - to come stitch him up and then he could be on his way to Eddie’s, to see Christopher and his halloween costume.

He wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to see the little man, especially after all that’s been going on between Eddie and himself, but things had changed during their shift and Buck had been invited to go out with them. Now though, because Buck just had to go out and help someone, he was stuck in the emergency room, waiting to get stitched up instead of out on the streets with his favorite family.

Which is why, when he saw Eddie and Christopher walk into the emergency room, Buck could only blink in slight confusion, though he was positive there was a small smile on his face at seeing his favorite boys in front of him.

“What are you guys doing here?” Buck asked, staring at both Eddie and Chris for a few minutes, confusion clear on his face as Christopher moved to wrap his arms around Buck’s leg. Buck can’t help but smile at the sight before he turns to Eddie, looking for an answer, not sure how Eddie even knew he was at the hospital.

“Apparently I’m your emergency contact,” Eddie replies with a small smile and Buck finds himself blinking, having forgotten he had changed emergency contacts from Maddie to Eddie shortly after the tsunami had occurred. It was something he had meant to tell Eddie about, but with everything that had happened, he had completely forgotten, and he can’t help but look apologetic towards Eddie, ignoring the way Eddie’s own look at him has his heart fluttering.

“I meant to tell you, Eddie, I swear, I just --” Buck can’t finish his statement when Eddie steps closer towards him, and places his hand on Buck’s neck - Buck feels too surprised by the movement, especially when Eddie leans forward and kisses him lightly. Before he can really get into the kiss, before he can even kiss Eddie back, Eddie is pulling away and resting his forehead on Buck’s own forehead, a small smile on his face as Christopher giggles. Buck can’t help but turn to look at the little man, still confused before he turns to Eddie once more.

“What’s--”

“Chris and I wanted you with us bad enough that when I got the call from the hospital, Chris didn’t even want to go out trick or treating anymore. So we came here, and --” Eddie pauses here and Buck waits as patiently as he can for his best friend to continue, heart thudding once Eddie does.

“I can’t lose you anymore, Buck. First it was the bombing and the truck, then the embolism, then the tsunami, and the lawsuit, and I’m just -- I’m so tired of nearly losing you. And then we got the call today, and --” Eddie pauses here and Buck - Buck can’t help but feel terrible about it, and without much thought, he finds himself squeezing Eddie’s hand before running his fingers through Chris’ hair.

“I was helping a lady who crashed her car - ran over someone, and hadn’t realized it. Cut my arm on her windshield. Not a big injury, but because I’m on thinners--” Buck shrugs here, ignoring how fast his heart pounds inside of his chest as Eddie looks at him and the nods.

“And I wouldn’t want to lose you either,” Buck adds, his voice barely a whisper as he continues to look up at Eddie, fingers still running through Chris’ hair, smiling when Chris hums in contentment.

“Well, that’s good. Because we don’t --” Chris begins, before continuing, Buck and Eddie turning to look at him with a smile on their faces, “We don’t want --- want to lose you -- either,” Chris finishes and Buck can’t help the laugh that escapes from him as he lifts Chris up and places him on his lap, hugging the boy to him carefully, love pouring out of him and towards Eddie and Chris as he does so.

“So, what was your costume going to be tonight, Superman?” Buck ends up asking, smiling when Chris turns towards him with a grin.

“I was going - going to be - Supermaaaan!” He responds, voice raising slightly as Buck laughs, unable to stop himself from tickling Chris’ sides, looking up at Eddie with a grin on his face, until the clearing of someone’s throat interrupts them, Buck looking towards the noise with a faded smile, until he sees someone that looks like they’ll be able to stitch him up so he can get out of there already.

Setting Chris aside, Eddie grabbing him and calming down, Buck holds out his arm and watches as he gets stitched up, breathing through everything, no longer bleeding, though Chris is fascinated by the blood that he sees. It’s not long before he’s getting discharged and Buck can’t help but look around the emergency room once more, Eddie by his side and Chris in his arms.

“Come home with us?” Eddie asks and Buck nods, a small smile on his face as he leans forward and kisses Eddie lightly before they head towards the parking lot, Buck getting into Eddie’s car with a small groan. He’ll have to pick up his car from the street later, unless he asks Maddie to do it for him, he thinks, but right now, it’s not something that’s completely on his mind as Eddie holds his hand and interlaces their fingers.


	27. stuck on.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“No, man, it’s not -- after everything -- I just got you back,” Buck whispers and he ignores the groans coming from the others, too focused on how Eddie is looking at him, Eddie’s eyes wide and his body swaying close to him._
> 
> \----
> 
> Day 30 of Whumtober, Wound Reveal and Ignoring an Injury.

When the call was all said and done, Buck found himself carefully getting into the firetruck, doing his best to hide the grimace that was forming on his face as he pulled himself up. He stayed quiet as he sat in the chair he always sat in, avoiding the looks that he was positive were being sent his way by his team. He knew he couldn’t avoid it forever, knew that eventually someone would realize he had injured himself during the call, but for now, he didn’t say anything - he didn’t say anything, because he didn’t want to be a pain in anyone’s side, didn’t want them to have to take the time out of their day to deal with him, especially so soon after being forgiven for the lawsuit.

When he finally sat down in his spot, he placed his hand onto his side and nearly gasped before doing his best to look away, to not look at the obvious wound that he had. He should’ve been more careful, he thinks to himself, taking a deep, calming breath and then looking straight ahead. He knew his wound wasn’t big, but he could feel a piece of wood protruding out from his side nonetheless, and wondered if anyone else had possibly noticed and just didn’t care. Briefly, he notices Chim looking at him in confusion and Hen frowning at him but he avoids looking back, shifts in the spot and sucks back a breath, especially when he feels Eddie’s hand on his shoulder, pushing down into his side, which only causes more pain to spread throughout his body. 

He can’t help but clench his teeth together and look at Eddie slowly, can feel sweat trickling down the back of his neck as he arches an eyebrow at his best friend.

“What’s going on with you, Buck?” Eddie asks, voice quiet and Buck can only look at Eddie with a frown, biting the inside of his cheek as he wonders if he should tell Eddie what happened. He opens and closes his mouth, a small whimper escaping from him when Bobby drives over a particularly large pothole, his hand jostled to the side and showing a fair amount of blood on his fingers, something that Eddie takes note of immediately with wide eyes before he’s swearing loudly, and Hen and Chimney are looking at him with their own wide eyes before they begin explaining what’s going on to Bobby, who's still driving the truck.

“What the hell, Buck, why didn’t you mention this to any of us?” Eddie asks, grabbing a towel he found in the back before placing it on Buck’s wound, ignoring the hiss Buck made, and doing his best to avoid the small piece of wood stuck inside of his side.

“I’m supposed to have your back, Buck. Why didn’t you--” Eddie whispers, and Buck can’t help but feel slightly bad about not telling Eddie, about forcing Eddie to face through the feelings he no doubt has, knowing Buck got injured and didn’t tell him, didn’t say anything - that Eddie hadn’t realized.

“I didn’t want to be a hindrance,” Buck whispers back, not removing his gaze from Eddie as Eddie looks towards him with a frown and a shake of his head.

“How much does it say about me, that my own best friend feels like --” Eddie stops here, gulping and Buck can’t help but widen his eyes and shake his head.

“No, man, it’s not -- after everything -- I just got you back,” Buck whispers and he ignores the groans coming from the others, too focused on how Eddie is looking at him, Eddie’s eyes wide and his body swaying close to him.

“I’m not making the mistake of letting you go again, nor of letting you feel like you’re not wanted,” Eddie adds, removing the towel from his wound with a scowl and a shake of his head.

“You’ll have to look at the wood, Hen. I can’t tell if it needs to stay in or come out,” Eddie says, moving to Buck’s other side while Hen replaces him. Buck can feel Eddie on his right side, can feel his fingers caressing his shoulder and running through his hair, and he ignores everything else for the time being. He ignores Hen, and he ignores Chim - ignores their whispers and the slight pain that occurs from them removing the piece of wood, having decided they can fix it themselves without needing to take Buck to the hospital.

He focuses on Eddie instead, has a small conversation with the man, though not a lot of words are said. When all is said and done, and he’s stitched up, he looks at Bobby, not realizing they had arrived at the fire station during everything.

“Don’t --” Bobby begins, shaking his head and blowing out a breath, “Don’t hide injuries, Buck. No matter how you think we’ll feel about you, I know you know better.” Bobby says and Buck nods, feeling guilty once more before turning towards Eddie with a tiny smile and a shrug of his shoulders, ignoring the pain that’s caused when he does so.

“Take him home, Diaz,” Bobby adds and Buck snorts, cheeks turning red as he ducks his head down once Eddie agrees, guiding Buck to the lockers, then the front doors, then Eddie’s car, knowing Buck won’t be able to drive, texting Chim quickly to text Maddie to get Buck’s car for him.

“We’re going to have a conversation when we get to my place, man.” Eddie says and Buck can only nod, having nothing else to say, though feeling relieved and at ease, if only because Eddie is by his side, once more.


	28. young little boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“It’s not like there’s anything wrong with the story, Mads. It’s not even real,” Buck replies, though his heart pounds, because parts of it are real, and his sister knows that immediately, even after he had been stopped a few times from continuing. Maddie looks at him with a frown before she rolls her eyes and nods her head, and Buck can’t help but grin_.
> 
> \----
> 
> Day 31 of Whumptober, Experiment.

“And then, without thought, the little boy realized that all of the tools that were surrounding him, had been used on him,” Buck whispers into his sister’s stomach, ignoring the snort that had come from his boyfriend and the sigh that had come from his sister.

“You’re really going to tell my unborn child the story of how --” Maddie begins before stopping when Buck looks up at her, a small smirk on his face.

“It’s not like there’s anything wrong with the story, Mads. It’s not even real,” Buck replies, though his heart pounds, because parts of it  _ are  _ real, and his sister knows that immediately, even after he had been stopped a few times from continuing. Maddie looks at him with a frown before she rolls her eyes and nods her head, and Buck can’t help but grin, turning to look at Eddie, making sure Chris is still asleep in Eddie’s lap - he might be willing to tell this story to his niece or nephew, but Chris --

Chris wouldn’t take it too well, and he wouldn’t do that to his step-son.

“It wasn’t a quick realization, of course,” Buck continues, leaning slightly so Maddie’s child can hear him, before he continues, ‘It was only by recognizing the small amount of red on one of the tools that the little boy had realized that they were used on him,” Buck adds, tilting his head briefly when Eddie shifts in his chair, looking at him, wondering if  _ he’s _ okay with what he’s hearing. When Eddie only nods his head with a small smile, Buck continues to tell the story - mentions how the little boy had picked up one of the tools and looked at it in awe, before realizing that the tool he had picked up had matched one of the cuts he had seen on his arm - thin and tiny, but sharp enough to do the job, certainly.

When Maddie shifts, Buck finds himself stopping, looking at his older sister carefully. While he jokes that the story wouldn’t harm the baby, if she really wanted him to stop, he would. But looking at her, and finding no signs of wanting him to stop, Buck continues on regardless, talking about how the little boy wondered why he had been cut open and stitched back up. He had wondered for so long, had looked around for even longer, but there had been no answers, and the little boy had only been left more confused than before.

And then Buck hears Eddie shift, and he looks over at his boyfriend with a soft smile, not surprised to find Eddie’s head tilted back with his eyes closed, fingers running through Chris’ hair.

“And when did the little boy realize he was being experimented on?” Maddie asks, prompting Buck to look away from his boyfriend and back towards his sister, a small smile on his face as he lets out a snort.

“And then the little boy realized he was an experiment when he came across this hallway filled to the brim with glass cubes - cubes that had other little children in them, with other little cuts on them,” Buck whispers, a frown on his face.

“That’s dark,” Eddie whispers and Buck lets out a snort, shakes his head and then hums, knowing it is quite a dark story.

“But they managed to get away,” Maddie whispers and Buck nods, his eyes widening a little bit. “All of the children managed to work together and get freed from the cubes, and when the scary looking people came for them to stop them from escaping, they worked together again and managed to get away completely,” Buck adds, his voice soft as he does his best not to remember the terrifying thoughts that had ran through his mind during that night.

“And then what?” Eddie asks with a small frown, fingers still in Chris’ hair though he’s no longer running them through, a frown on his own face as he looks at his boyfriend with curiosity and worry.

“And then the little boy got away, alongside all of the little children, and they found out just how lost they were - but that they were wanted, and they never should’ve been experimented on,” Buck adds, looking at Eddie carefully, arching his eyebrow when Eddie hums and begins running his fingers through Chris’ hair once more.

“Did the children get their happy endings?” Eddie asks and Buck can’t help the smile that forms on his face before he looks towards Maddie, who is also smiling at them.

“What do you think Maddie, did we get our happy endings?” Buck asks, sitting up and nudging her shoulders carefully as she continues to grin. Buck can hear the sound of Chimney in the kitchen, talking softly to Albert, and he knows Maddie can hear him too, just by the way her eyes drift over to the kitchen and she immediately softens, a small hum escaping from her as she looks towards Buck.

“I definitely think I got my happy ending,” Maddie whispers, “What about you, Evan? Did you get yours?” She asks, and Buck finds himself grinning towards Eddie, who has his eyebrow arched at him and a small smirk playing on his features.

“No doubt about it,” Buck responds, moving so that he’s sitting next to his boyfriend, happy, calm and safe, especially after everything they’ve been through, kissing Eddie lightly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this was the last chapter of Whumptober. I hope you guys enjoyed it, and enjoyed the stories as a whole. Your comments were appreciated, and I thank you guys so much for taking the time out to read these. Depending on when you read this, I might have my next fic up already - a crossover with a beloved Halloween series. Go read that, if you want. Thanks for sticking with me, folks. ♥

**Author's Note:**

> Please keep your safe, and mind the tags for each chapter. If I miss a tag, please let me know immediately. [Come yell at me on my tumblr](https://smartbuckleystrand.tumblr.com).


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